Day 10. Almost Halfway
December 5, 2017 by Friend
I have read that it takes 21 days to form a habit. in that case, im almost halfway to having broken the habit of him being here in my life daily. I know 10 years don’t melt away that fast, but at least it’s something to look forward to, hold on to. yesterday he forwarded me a late notice on a library book he’d checked out for me, with no message. i responded,
oh crap. I’ll return rn.
sorry 😦
he didn’t respond to that. no thank you baby, no heart eyes, like before. it’s OK. maybe he thought it’s what i want, maybe he was busy, maybe he’s pissed. who knows. but it dug at me the smallest amount. so today when he fwd me the cell phone bill asking if it looked right to me, that its higher than he expected, i didnt respond. i feel good about that. it’s a small slight — he can easily pull up the account and go over the details if he really wants to know, but it helped me feel better after yesterday. plus it allowed me to keep my promise to myself not to write. petty, i know.
I felt slightly better today. no, i would say better, not just slightly. not a lot tho.
today’s wins
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I didn’t respond to said email
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I exercised, did yoga, and “meditated” 10 min yesterday
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I exercised today
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ive been consistently showering again
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I didn’t re-read any old messages or look thru photos like i have been, which I’ve failed to mention
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im eating well, consistently
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I slept last night
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I ever so slightly flirted with my friend Jake from a long, long time ago — thru text
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I made plans with a friend to have our families get together for dinner saturday
losses
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I’ve failed to do any cleaning or organizing or smudging
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ive failed to make calls and appointments that are overdue
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ive been acutely aware of the quiet, specifically my lack of speaking
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I reached out to my old therapist to see if she offers sliding-fee appts and she responded coldly. now i have to reply but not sure how to. another adulty task that repels me
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I regret telling my friend the whole truth on some of the details about his affair (trust issue)
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I am still taking a large amount of benzodiazepines daily
tonight I will take a shower, do the 10 min guided meditation that came with my yoga DVD, and then I’ll open my well-worn rumi book. this one specific collection has gotten me thru so many tough times in the past, but for some reason ive avoided it for a long time. i think a dumb part of me sees it as contaminated because i shared so much of it with him and he loved it too. but everybody loves rumi, so that means nothing. i want to read it tonight. tomorrow, i will make at least two business type call, and smudge the house.
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