today was a good day. i had an appointment at the Kroc center (gym). it was a mandatory orientation thing to get a scholarship to lower the cost of my membership. i now will only have to pay $24/month for a fam membership. sadly, that’s tough for me, now that i have taken on a large portion of the household bills since we split up. let’s just say im looking up plasma donation places to get thru my kids bday. it’s their 18th bday and i really want to do something special. but yeah, times are tough.
anyway, the good news is that during the orientation…well, first let me paint this picture: i sat there with bitch-face as usual. i feel bad about it, especially at like this charity thing. we can’t help our faces. but i have an attitude too. it’s so ingrained. it’s posture, it’s other stuff. it’s partly the way i dress as well, im sure. i know it’s basically a church, but i dont think they care that i wear all black and my hair is black and im white as a sheet. but when you put it all together, im afraid i stand out. when really, im just trying to NOT stand out.
but while i was sitting thru the presentation looking haughty and bored but actually just trying to mask my social anxiety, i was flipping thru the catalog of classes. and i started to get this weird feeling. like, i guess i was maybe imagining a world without my ex and without my kids even, where im not howling in an ever-deepening vortex of abyss. instead, maybe taking a yoga class. or joining the knitting circle they host on tuesdays. or something. i think this is what i need to do, well, someone told me yesterday this is what i need to do. but i didnt know what she meant until i was sitting there with all these options presenting themselves.
plus i ate well. altho it occurred to me that ive been lying to myself again. i am doing an abstinence plan that is no sugar, no caffeine, no dairy + 3 meals a day, no snacks. first, i started having tea before bed, which can’t count as a snack. then i started to add coconut/almond creamer to my tea, which is very low cal, and not dairy. then i started getting Rebbl Matcha Lattes. only twice. but they have green tea (caffeine), and honey (basically sugar), and a little bit of heaven. so then, today, i was rushed after my orientation and stopped at starbucks and got — NO MOCHAS thankfully — but i got an egg & gouda sandwich thing. it’s only 350 cal. but it has dairy and the white bread, tho not technically excluded, is something i’ve been successfully avoiding.
so im pretty much letting stuff sneak in. i mean, im sneaking stuff in. and not letting myself think about it. it’s pretty crazy that _I_ can do something while at the same time _I_ look the other way. wth. anyway, im not going to be rigid and “start over”, im still at 17 days abstinence, since the infractions were pretty slight. and i’ve already decided to make it “no coffee” instead of no caffeine, and allow 1-2 cups of organic green tea before 12pm, for now. BUT im going to quit it with the Rebbls and figure out something abstinent for those times im out and in a pinch.
but since i was feeling pretty encouraged by a vague image of a possible future before the eventual black abyss, i called Mollie. i dont always want to cry and moan, i wanted to share positivity too. she was very happy for my good news, but was busy. before we hung up she said something really nice. she said that there is something really amazing about me that is hard to explain, but it’s like even in my darkest hour, i always find a way to be raw and open.
so i’ve gotten weird compliments occasionally in my life. i have been told i have a good forehead. and that the whites of my eyes are very white. i once was told that i really have a way of walking out of a room, which was meant as a biting insult, but i took it as a badge of honor. why thank you, mother, i do, dont i 🙂 but this compliment from mollie, tho i dont understand how she sees that, feels like a very real and great thing. so i felt doubly glad after that.
on the way home, i thought about how i was only beautiful for one year of my life. 17 years old. before that i was either a scraggly tom-boyish hood rat or a chubster (ages 10-16). by chubby, i mean 20 pounds overweight. to some people that’s nothing, but to a white girl in the late 80s, it’s enough to ostracize you. at 16, i got dumped in a really eh, a bad situation. my mom was dealing with husband no. 2, who was a true skeeze, and i guess i just wanted to take control of my life. like, i finally realized i could do that. i secretly started eating smaller portions. if my mom knew i was trying to lose weight, she would have sabotaged me and picked me apart. luckily, she didnt pay close enough attention to notice me eating less, or i would have most likely resorted to purging. i also started doing a Kathy Ireland workout video. i had the one video, i wore that shit out. by the end of the summer, i’d shed the 20 pounds.
thus i entered into the year of effortless power. i was as close to a perfect women as i would ever get. i was tall and athletic/thin with an hourglass shape. i had a pretty, friendly face, long thick hair. i was bright, but not savvy. nieve, even. i had no self-esteem and was desperate to please. every man i met loved me. i got pulled over, no tickets. men randomly bought me shit. my groceries always taken to my car. they insisted. i had men, strange, random, creepy, old men, approach me in libraries and essentially bow as they offered me books they thought i would like. books about witchcraft and erotica. it didnt matter what i said or did, because no one was listening or paying attention. they were just looking and imagining. i remember getting frustrated because i would try to talk to boys in school about assignments, and their eyes would glaze over and they’d smile and nod in a daze.
i couldn’t walk down the street without being catcalled relentlessly. i was already socially anxious and insecure as hell, so being approached was pretty scary. and rightly so. i was attacked twice that year. my skeezy step dad put the moves on me one night, after months of doing no-contact pervy shit, and at my boyfriends urging, i told my mom. she said, and i’ll never forget it, “how can you do this to me when things are finally going so well?” then they went on a walk on the levy to discuss it, and i sat on the couch with acid stomach. my brain was numb. i had no other family. i had no options. i wouldn’t have stayed in that hell house as long as i did if i had. my sister had been long gone and my brother had gone to stay with his dad (husband #2). my mom and the skeeze came back and he smirked as she said, “well we talked about it and…i believe him.” as in, i dont believe you.
i was devastated naturally. i hid in my bedroom. i showered and dressed in the dark. (my instincts were right, it was later discovered that he had been video taping me in my room and the shower, which my mom was aware of all along.) after a few miserable weeks, where i was breaking down in class and just being totally erratic, i was threatened with suspension for cutting class. so i decided to reach out for help. thats what the teen magazines said to do — tell a teacher or someone at school. i told the counselor. they called a CPS worker and my mom and her skeeze, and we all had a sit down. it was brutal. i could barely speak with my mom there. after the meeting the adults decided i was lying to get out of cutting class.
when i got home that night, as late as i could stand to stay out, there were black garbage bags on the front step. they had actually changed the locks. i took my garbage and went back to my car and drove.*
i ended up couch surfing with friends, as long as their judgy parents would let me, until i finished high school. i never felt welcome at their homes. i didnt want to waste their water or take their food. i got a job right away, of course since i was a dumb, pretty 17 year old, and with the unsettled lifestyle and some of my own money, i started going to fast food. i had gained 45 pounds by graduation.
thus the window of effortless power closed. beauty, and being wanted for sex, is the height of power for women. and if i had been smarter or less damaged, maybe i could have wielded it more successfully. instead i just got run over and spat out, like so many young women.
the weird part is, and im still trying to get my head around this, is that since that time, i have unconsciously done everything i can to get back to that. and i berate and castigate myself so harshly for every second that i dont achieve that goal. it’s not just a goal weight. there is this livid, hateful part of me that desperately wants to get back to that place, like literally go back in time, and do it differently. not be so weak. have the knowledge i have now and be ready for each and every one of those people who hurt me. to combine the power of knowledge and inner strength (real power) with the patriarchically assigned female-power.
but that’s so stupid. it’s so futile. its impossible and pointless. and recognizing that part of me, acknowledging that righteous anger, comforting that lonely damaged betrayed child, is really the only way to freedom. because we can’t go back, honey. we’ll never be her again. but, we dont need to. we dont need to fix it, or to even the score. the only thing we need to do is let it go.
this wasn’t one of them: the path season 3 is on Hulu, which thrilled me this am since i had no idea when it would come back. why do i love this show so much. it’s not that great. i guess, 1 cults, 2 the way it’s filmed so creepy, and 3 michelle monaghan. man! her character is super awesome and scary and relatable all at the same time. and in the first episode of season 3 — whoa! she never fails to move me.
anyway, here’s the 2 things:
first, my horrible ex-husband called me for the first time in 10 years. someday i hope to blog alllll about that nightmare. suffice to say that he is a true villain and sometimes immigration does get it right — he was deported to russia in 05. so he calls me as i was headed to my lunch date with mollie. im driving. he sounded the same. he lectured me about getting the kids in the best colleges (what?! hahaha wow. this guy), and then asked me to scan and send some old photos of him, and then said he had no regrets and has lived a pretty exciting life. ive been researching NPD (narcissists) lately and dang. hadn’t gotten around to plugging him into the checklist, but wont need to now. i basically was like, ok yeah glad to hear you’re doing well, i gotta go. wtf. this man brutalized me AND the kids (they were infants). he humiliated me in public so many times. he almost killed me when i refused to have an abortion. he threatened me constantly with bodily harm and with stealing the babies. when i finally dared to escape him, he terrorized me. i slept with a gd gun under my pillow. that’s never a satisfying sleep. even after i fled california, he found me and tormented me. even after he was deported, he called and threatened me. and he was a scary guy; it was hard to ignore his threats. it really wasn’t until a few years ago that i could breathe a little easier, because the kids were old enough that if he tried to abduct them, they’d be able to fight back or escape. just crazy to have that door from the past opened out of nowhere and in the 5 min conversation, for him to gloat about how exciting his (deadbeat, drug addicted, crime-riddled) life has been. i mean, it probably was haha, but dont go bragging to me about it. “i have no regrets”, he said twice. i was going to write a scathing email, but opted for a short and sweet one. i basically said “listen i wish you well but we are not friends. you treated me and the kids terribly. you made my life hell. you have done nothing to amend for that nor have you done anything to earn back my respect or friendship.” so, he’ll probably have some lovely words in response, but w/e idc.
second thing: my stupid ass ex bf, the one i’ve been rambling on about for 2 months, the one i just told last weekend hey were not friends, sorry. you treated me like shit and im not into that anymore. (same script as above, huh.) well, he texted me a bunch today. like telling me his whole office has the flu (ignored). and he’s super scared he going to get it (ignored). and that his throat hurts so bad (ignored). and what do i want to do for the kids bday. this i felt was within the realm of what i will talk to him about (house business and kid business) which im sure is why he brought it up. nevertheless, i responded, “let’s worry about the kid’s birthday after we see if you’re still alive” or something. he sent a crying face (ignored). it blows my mind that hes just going to keep texting me like we’re…friends? i effing told him im not his friend. if someone told me, hey im really not your friend, i wouldn’t be texting, oh my owie throat. is it that he doesnt believe me? he has always said he thinks im lying when i say, like, standing up to him type stuff. so that’s very possibly it. i guess its just ignore ignore ignore. he knows i have a hard time being mean, and he may think i think it’s mean to ignore him. but i dont. its rational. he’s a manipulator, and this is obvs more of his pathetic game.
not playing. i hope this is the extent of the shit he pulls.
I can’t believe how good it feels to reject him. i think today was the first time i clearly rejected him. and there is guilt, as ridiculous s as that is, i do have guilt over it.
this morning i reminded myself of my intention. i was going to say, “thanks but no thanks” when he tried to hang out after the dance thing. no matter what. so he texts that he’s running late. making it easier for me. he misses the first dance. then some other groups, younger girls, did their dances and then he shows up. i was hoping he’d stand at the wall but he squeezed thru to the open seat next to me that i did not purposely save.
the minute i saw him i was like, ugh. he looked sickly. his lips were greyish. he sat next to me and i smelled a rotten stomach smell and cigarette smoke. afterward, we walked out and asked where the other was parked. he was way out in a second lot and i asked did he want a ride to his car so he wouldn’t have to slog thru the massive amount of snow slush. he said “no, but what do you want to do today?” i said “uh, nothing really, i dont want to hang out.” hes like (shocked) “why?” i said “i dont know, just dont feel like it.” then we were at my car and he walks to the passenger door and i said “oh you do want a ride to your car.” hes like, “might as well.”
we drive to his car and he starts asking questions, business stuff about the kids and college and finances, stuff he knows im still willing to discuss. then he starts telling me some drama going on in his family. i somewhat care about these people even tho i’ve actually only met one of them. (living together 10 years and never met his family, js.) then he asked how i was and said, “you know this kind of feels like we’re hanging out, and i said i didnt want to do that.” he laughed, “yeah…i tricked you.” i said, “yeah, you know, i just dont want to hang out cuz we’re not friends.” (i decided to go there.) his eyes teared up, he said, “but we are friends i like being around you i love you.” i said, “sure i can understand that. but why would i want to be your friend? after the things you did to me, the lying, the betrayal? thats not how friends treat each other. normally i would never talk to you again, but because of the kids, which i do want to support that…but that doesnt mean that you and i have to be friends.” he said, “we can discuss this later” and turned to get out of the car. i said, “why? i dont want to talk later. i dont want to talk to you. you cheated and lied to me for 6 months and before that, you had me crawling on the floor like a dog. when i’m around you, i remember what that feels like. when im away from you, i feel like myself again. and when i feel like myself again, i can’t understand why i’d ever be around you again.”
he said, “im glad youre feeling like yourself again. im gonna go.” and got out of the car. i felt… stupid guilt, and fear of retribution, and relief. i drove off and called Mollie. i told her i was conflicted and stressed and really wanted to stop and get some gross greasy food rn.” she said just talk to me until you get past all the crack houses (fast food places and restaurants). gotta love her.
i got home and felt pretty great. the hunger passed and i shoveled the driveway a little bit. didnt want to mess with my back, but felt like doing something physical. then i played with my dogs and finally made a normal lunch with veggies and everything. damn. it felt good to just be doing what i wanted. i’d stood up to his emotional draw. i had felt the pull, and a part of me was like c’mon lets just do it, this time might be different. but the bigger part of me remembered my intention and stayed strong and the reward was, i was home and free to do what i liked and to feel good and to not be in the groveling position im always in with him.
it helped that he looked like shit, stunk and was late to an 11am event. that tells me he was up late drinking heavily and spending time with smokers (he doesnt smoke). but damned if i was going to ask him about it. that’s not my concern anymore. but it helped me stay strong.
i am nervous of retribution. he could cause me a ton of problems financially. i dont think he would do it with the kids still here, but once they’re gone, ive got to have a plan. altho my friend kale said by then, i might be strong enough to placate him and be friendly enough that he’ll allow me to stay in my home. and altho that’s true, the thought of living that way nauseates me. i am not materialistic. i dont care about the house and furniture, etc. a reliable car is something. and my animals. but i have some time to plan.
then, a few hours ago he sent a text: “im not dealing with loss of you. too hard.”
sounds drunk. and this is the first text of this kind that he has sent in all this time. my gaurd went up, because i have to expect its manipulation. i was going to say you didnt lose me you thru me away. (dumb.) or ignore it. (prob would have been best.) but instead, an hour later, i wrote, “haha of course youre not. im the best thing thats ever happened to you.” he responded, “yes u r.” definitely drunk.
So today i had to do a bunch more college stuff, make calls, find more documents, get them scanned, more calls, find links that were emailed months ago and create portals, etc. every time i think i’ll just get this one thing taken care of, it turns into three new tasks, and i know behind each of them are more things. and this is why i hate being an adult sometimes.
then i needed to call him because apparently there were two sets of test scores (times two kids) that needed post marked by today and i have already paid for 8 (times two), so i am tapped out in that dept., so i called. he said fine and would i mind if he goes to my daughters dance performance tomorrow. i said that’s fine. its her thing, they have a rela, it’s fine. he said, well im not doing anything the rest of the day, so if you want maybe we can do something. i said, oh i have an idea you could hit the road after. which is just cheesy, wtv. he laughed, we laughed, and got off the phone
that was all it took for my mind to unravel. he doesnt have anything going on tomorrow? does that mean he has something going on tonight? why didnt he ask to spend the night tonight so he wouldn’t have to get up early to drive (since he lives 45 min away)? not that i would have agreed, but it would have been a logical excuse. maybe he does have plans, maybe he’s dating someone. the last time he came over, he spent two nights, we slept in the same bed and were not intimate at all. i thought it was my doing, since i was not inviting and had no intention of letting him be close to me. but maybe it was his plan too, because he’s dating or fucking people?
i had a dream a couple of nights ago that he and i were in some loft and he had made all these plans and i didnt want to do them so i said so. somehow we started arguing and i started interrogating him. he confessed he’s been having casual sex and i was so angry. i didnt blow up but i just kept questioning him. this is very much what it was like after i found out about the cheating. just pure hell. and not like me. i hated being that way, but it was like a horrible compulsion. and in my dream it was all back. when i woke i thought, no matter what…i will never do that again. i will just walk away. i can’t be that pathetic again.
and in my head tonight im falling into that trap again. i was thinking how he wants to hang out, just wants to be friends. fuck this guy! seriously! this sucks so much! in a normal sitch, that bridge would have long since burned, turned to ash, and blown away by now. but because of the kids, and the house and the animals, i have to walk this nightmare tightrope! it’s murder. its so awful.
i realized today that altho i have always had serious insecurities and an overall inferiority complex (that sometimes masked as a superiority complex, i think, a little), i have never had this ridiculous self-esteem issue. like, i really feel like a piece of shit. before i met him, it never dawned on me to wonder why someone would want to be my friend or date me. i never considered myself a 10, in fact i was hyper critical and never felt “good enough”, but i based a lot of my self-worth on the reaction i got from other people. my friends seemed to genuinely think i was pretty and nice. i always had a few guys interested, and the ones i engaged with said all kinds of nice stuff about me. and i sort of gathered it up and believed about half of it and that was basically who i thought i was.
im not saying that’s healthy. but the way i feel now, after 10 years with this guy, i mean. i feel like an absolute freak. like some kind of wretched monster. today i was going about my business, taking care of all kinds of stuff, which is rare and wonderful in these last few years of depression. there are days with depression, that i count putting a pen in a drawer to be a win. so yeah i was feeling pretty great today because i had taken care of maybe a dozen serious things. and as im walking into the post office, i caught my reflection in the glass, and i was shocked and horrified. there she was again. the hideous monster.
how did this happen? how did he do it? i wish i could delineate every little subtle thing he said and did that picked my fragile self esteem apart and left me this sad lump on the ground. because then, maybe id have something to work with. something to look at and say, “oh! yes, here! i know *this* is wrong! Ha!” and be done with it little by little. but i dont know how he did it. but i know he’ll do it again. to whoever lets him. to the next insecure girl who is willing to follow him down his dark paths in hopes of another one of his paltry stale crumbs.
i hate him
but let me look at it closer. all of my strife this evening comes down to Wanting Him To Love me. that same old thing. i dont actually want him. i dont find him attractive. he’s quite ugly, and his body is gross. he’s not romantic, nor does he say sweet things. i dont like hanging out with him. he hardly ever has anything interesting to say, he’s not creative, he’s not clever. he’s negative and ugly and selfish and controlling and self-obsessed. and somehow he’s made me desperately want his approval. that is his dark gift. and it doesnt matter how he does it. what matters is that i stop thinking about what he wants, and start thinking about what i want. then it’s clear: i dont want him. i want to be free of him. i feel better with him gone. im happier. my kids are happier. things are peaceful. i am more calm, and i feel my health returning. i have interacted with more people in the 6 weeks he’s been gone than i did in the last 3 years. literally. and that isolation is a real killer. and im breaking thru it. i have days without depression. i have seen a ray of hope a number of times. i heard my own intuition speak to me two nights ago! i have faith that things can get better, that I can get better. and no matter what he’s doing with his life, whether he’s living it up or miserable, it is not my concern. i need to release that.
so tomorrow, after the dance thing, when he asks to hang out, im going to say “no thank you”. and when he asks why, im not going to lie, nor am i going to tell him how i feel. he hasn’t earned the right to know. im just going to say…”thanks but no.”
my plan to process this break up by blogging daily fell apart, along with my plan to exercise daily, eat healthfully, and avoid my ex like the snake he is. because he came here and spent the holidays. I allowed this for the kids. so they would have a “normal” christmas for their last year before college. at least i think that’s why i allowed it.
it was pretty terrible I would say. nothing eventful happened, nothing outward. only, i somehow lost the strength that i had gained. we were not intimate, not even emotionally, so in many ways i held my ground. but his words twisted me up. i am just not strong enough to deflect his manipulations. and so in order for my pain to be lessened, i need to avoid him.
but just the last few days I have been overcome with sorrow. maybe it would have happened anyway. maybe the strength that i gained with my self-focus and readings and mediations last month is still there, but this time of sorrow is necessary. or maybe it’s something he said or did that got me off track.
because I’ve been feeling so in love with him again. thinking about him, feeling that longing feeling you have for the little things that a person you love does. wishing he would say the loving things he’s said in the past. wishing he would love me. the same fundamental feeling I’ve had for 10 years crystalized now into a big wet hurt that i cant seem to sop up.
my friend says im future-tripping, and maybe a little. there is suddenly this big fear that he is happy and meeting people and moving on and having so much fun, while I lay on the bed and play animal crossing pocket camp in the dark, puffy-eyed. because now i see him as desirable and wonderful and so unique and amazing and irreplaceable. and the anger and regret that gave me steam last month has dissipated. is this normal, or am i just an idiot?
no matter what, whether he put this in my head when he was here, or im a complete mess, or it’s just normal processing, the main focus needs to be no contact. I failed at that the first few days. i fell into old patterns of texting him when im scared. i got a terrifying migraine on Jan 3 because on jan 2 i decided to cut out sugar and caffeine at the same time, while on my period. really didn’t think i was consuming that much of either but, shit. my body was pissed. the migraine got to a full 11 and i was contemplating going to the ER — why?? they couldn’t help me but i was panicked. so instead, i texted him, like “oh no daddy what do i do?” ugh. then he rode that opening, texting me several times a day to check on me, offering to come over to give me a message, etc, until 2 days ago i finally was like, listen its fine lets let it go.
then today his mom called me but I didn’t answer, i was legitamately in the store. when i checked my voice mail in the car, i had a 2+ minute listen-in to his mom and bro having a car conversation. it must have been an accidental call. so i turn it up and listened as hard as possible. because why? im nosy or i was hoping to hear them talk about me? maybe, but mostly because his brother sounds so much like him. my heart just broke again listening to his voice, the cadence, etc.
which is so, so stupid. this man is ridiculous, my ex? he’s not cute. his voice is frog-like. he’s a terrible lover, really not good. an even worse kisser. selfish beyond words. treated me like absolute garbage.
that last part is the part I loved i think. but last month, i was so conscious of his flaws, or reality. and now im in this weird melancholia state. idk, i guess i will just let it flow, remind myself not to “future-trip”, focus on wellness and my own needs. like, i have been back on track with my food since jan 2. i got some exercise yesterday. and every time i think lovingly about him, i should…what? think of the bad things? remind myself of the reality? just think about something else?
I hate this so much. i used to get so sad and scared thinking that someday he would die and i would have to help him die and then figure out how to live without him. i thought we were forever, and the thought of losing him was just so scary. but seemed so far away still. this is never what i expected would happen. its better than him being dead, cuz ultimately i do want him to find happiness or whateverthefuck, but it’s just such an adjustment. and deep down i am grateful its over, because the relationship was pretty much awful.
maybe I felt strong last month cuz i knew it was this set time – 1 month – and then I’d have to deal with him for the holidays (he’d be back), and i didn’t think past that. but now, there is no set obligations to him, the kids can prob handle easter without him, and their birthday. so its more real now? the reality of it being over now is unavoidable. the “Trial separation”, altho a facade, and something i grappled with as i realized it wasn’t real, maybe still gave more structure/safety than i realized. idk
plus my bday was tucked in there. 43. spent with him. after everything that happened last year. after the bs that was my 42nd birthday. he’s a truly horrible, despicable, ugly, narrow, incompetent, boring, weak person. he offers me nothing. why the hell can’t I get that thru to whatever part of me still loves him?? i hate this
This is the day that my kids will be gone the whole day. the longest day. however, yesterday and tomorrow are the worst days, because those days they are on the roads. and it is fully winter.
last night I acted stupid. i was pretty good all day, keeping busy, doing what i planned to, staying on task i mean. but then i started getting antsy around 4-430 because they were due to arrive at the hotel, the tracking app said they had arrived at the hotel, but no one was texting me back. i really didn’t want to be that person texting like crazy, so i held it together and just sent one text each. after a half hour of stewing, thinking about how incredibly insensitive they all are, knowing im sitting here nervous, etc., i sent more texts. finally mark called and said they were all checked in. i was so annoyed with my kids, even tho normally i would understand/expect it.
they walked to a Vietnamese place for dinner and then decided to just stay in the room for the night, much to marks disappointment. it was raining pretty bad. he texted me that he was going to safeway for a few things and then would just hang in the room with them and watch netflix. after half an hour, it occurred to me, violently, that he was not going to safeway, but that he was either hanging out with someone he planned to meet there or had set up something with a prostitute. this is completely illogical, but I have become this “crazy” suspicious paranoid person. i really hope i can get past it, because its awful to feel this way. to second guess everything, to never really be able to believe anything anyone says. its awful. so when i texted him and then called and then texted 3 times with no response, i was utterly convinced that i had caught him in this duplicity. finally he called and said he was at safeway and his phone had been off — why? would? his? phone? be? off???? — lie alert alert alert!!!! so i texted, “you have 60 seconds to send me a photo.” he sent me one of the basket (granola, yogurt, water, toothpaste) and another one of his face/body in a safeway aisle.
he loves this shit. this is what he wants. this is what he tried to get me to do for alll those years. to monitor him, to make demands, to be totally possessive and domineering. but it wasn’t my nature. I hate doing stuff like that, im too lazy for it. it really takes a lot of energy to be that way, or any kind of domme.
and yet, here i am.
I told myself this was all fine, open communication with him for these three days, because he has my kids. but just this little bit of interaction with him and the grossness is right back in my face. his grossness and my own. i hate it. i really can’t stand it. i feel weak and out of control and stupid and confused. i can’t wait til my kids are back home, and i can go back to shutting him out.
his mom called today crying. I told her i saw him yesterday and that he didn’t look good, that he smelled bad, either of alcohol or bad food. she said, “good! i love my son, but i want him to suffer. i want him to realize he made a mistake and beg you back.” i didnt tell her that there is no way i’d take him back. instead i told her that i wanted him to suffer too until i saw him. because its terrible to see someone you love suffering. i just want him to be happy. i always wanted that. it took me a long time to accept that i couldn’t make him happy, no matter what i did. but now, unsurprisingly, he’s not happy alone either. which is what he always said he wanted: to be alone. but now he’s saying it’s because of this city. if he was in a different city… or country. he always said he wanted to go back overseas. THEN he would be happy. when i pointed out to him that he was miserable while he was overseas, he denies it. he makes excuses: well it was the job, the apt, the people, the teapot he was using made him sick… etc it goes on and on. he’s just fucked up like that.
so yeah im having trouble with all this. I feel guilty that he’s suffering and feel drawn to help. im resisting, but it hurts. i feel hateful and angry toward him too. i feel fragile and afraid. i hate being without my kids and desperately don’t want them to fly the coop, altho i obvsly do want them to do that. a lot of my suffering is indeed coming from thinking about past and future. mostly future. hatred for myself and all the regret of the past, but mostly fear of the future. but, i know i have no way of knowing what will happen in the future. so im just really focusing on staying in the moment today. it’s helping.
night is harder. we’ll see what happens tonight.
last night after I talked with the kids (not texted, they’re terrible texters!) and felt more calm, i had this nagging desire to eat something or take a few shots of something. i fought it off. when the compulsion returns tonight? idk
today I met an OA person for lunch at a salad place. it was nice. the conversation was very helpful. she’s 70 something and very wise, but there was a weird moment that thru me and made me put up my guard a bit. she seems to prefer the dynamic where she’s doing a lot of talking and giving wisdom, but if i ever talk about something i learned, something that she can’t expound upon, like having kids (she didn’t have any), then she gets very visibly annoyed. and as soon as i was done saying what i said she gave a brisk, “who cares!” and went back to a previous subject. it was…weird! i do like to talk with her and do appreciate her experience and generosity, but shit man. that’s a little awkward! idk. makes me feel like i can’t trust her, and should carefully control the amount of time i spend with her, and what i share with her. don’t want to get snipped at again. but it sux always having these restrictions.
or am I supposed to like, confront her? is that what normal people do? like, say, “you know i feel uncomfortable with the way the conversation went when i was sharing and you cut me off and said ‘who cares'”? but seems like she would get super defensive and it would be even more awkward. i have actually done something like that with good friends in the past and people do NOT respond well. I’ve tried to be really really nice about it and planned ahead. doesn’t matter, they get defensive as hell. trying to think about how i would respond if someone did that to me. i like to think I’d respond well, but im sure it would feel out of the blue, so i can’t say for sure. damn, idk.
so, the lady who I talked crap about yesterday called me today and was super nice and encouraging. yes, im a dick. but, also, i am completely drained after a lifetime of being used by narcopaths. (this is the delightful term my therapist says means pathological narcissists, who would be my grandma, my mom, and most of my partners! :D) maybe it’s true, i can’t deny there’s a pattern. if im an empath (which supposedly just means very empathetic, which i know to be true), then i am a neon sign to these types of people.
its crazy tho, because I really do think im smart and careful and cautious. i have fucking cPTSD from my childhood and struggle with hypervigilance. isn’t the one positive thing of hypervigilance supposed to be that im actually vigilant– like, really, really vigilant? then why do i keep failing to spot these guys? how are they sneaking thru my radar?
it’s the unconscious mind. it’s so much more powerful than my conscious brain. and I just haven’t done things right. i haven’t figured it out. ive tried to be this little baby soldier. but i think im supposed to throw all the armor down and focus on taking care of baby me. that sounds logical. and ridiculous. and impossible. and like a ship that’s sailed long time ago. feeling very discouraged. and fragile.
he keeps texting me. so nice. asking can he come over, can he call, can he help me. baby soldier aint falling for it. hells no. one time he said (something like), “I know if i wanted to, i could have you fall madly in love with me, i could really blow your mind.” wtaf??! who says that? a nut! and who hears that but doesn’t run? another nut!
I swear that every day that passes, i see things clearer. and all these old ladies ive been gathering around me help so much. im grateful every day for older women.
I am nervous about what he’s going to do when i tell him he can’t come home for christmas. i think it best if we just visit him on christmas at his flat, so i can leave when the time comes and can’t be confined with him in a private space. but, i don’t think anyone, he or the kids, will go for it. my son, to whom i suggested the idea, said “ew no, gross.” next best would be letting him come over on christmas day for a few hours. i would have to have my guard up, and maybe lie and act like things are going to be more relaxed between us from then on, agreeing to go back to providing emotional support, etc. which im not going to do. and im nervous about that too– when he finds out that it’s not going to just be ’30 days of no communication’, but ‘forever of no communication’. because i have found that when he doesn’t get what he wants, he does some very sneaky underground crazy stuff that ends up making my life very complicated. he has less ability to do so now, since i have distance. but the financial ties scare me. i believe that’s where he will strike. he has to know im nervous about it. and i need to be prepared for something completely unpredictable and extreme. for myself, it doesnt matter, but a financial blow would definitely upset the kids lives, and he knows how much that would stress me out/hurt me.
I can’t belive im here again — trying to extricate myself and my children from a dangerous relationship ever so carefully. ive got to stop trying to do everything myself, and start looking to other people to show me the way to heal properly and grow stronger and safer. i can’t trust my instincts, they’re all muddled up. and this will be my greatest test of my life: putting my fate in the hands of others. this is that same path i keep running from. the path to a power outside of myself.
Today i saw my old therapist. she only charged me $30 for the hour, which was very generous and appreciated since i have taken on so many expenses with him leaving. she said her practice was not doing well or else she would offer to see me pro bono because she cares about me so much. this made me feel uncomfortable. when she offered to see me no charge two years ago, i couldn’t accept it. and i don’t like the idea of her caring about me, seems unprofessional, and makes me suspicious of her guidance. i think that may be just my trust issues talking, but i am not sure. i have never had a normal relationship with an authority figure, and i don’t know what that would be like. growing up i had no adults i could trust. i was responsible for the care of my little brothers, and felt it was us against the world. when i had my own children, i raised them with the same mentality. i always felt more like a big sister to them than a mother. i have a hard time inhabiting an adult world, as an adult. idk what im saying here.
my therapist listened for a while as I filled her in on my nightmare of a year, and then she got kind of tough-love on me, interrupting with, “why do you listen to anything this man says?” she was frustrated. i admitted that i realize now that i was lying to myself 2 years ago when i discussed him and the nonsense of our relationship and how i was distant from him and protecting myself. that i was actually only doing what i thought he wanted and telling myself i wanted it to. that i was just so desperately trying to get approval from a man who could and would never give it to me. she said she believes strongly that he is a psychopath and knows exactly what he’s doing. idk, maybe this is true. she said when you’re around someone who makes you so confused like this, that’s a sign. i said that ive always been so good at reading people, and he seems so earnestly innocent and seems like he really does care about me in his way, but his actions show something totally different, so i get confused that maybe he is just really fucked up and all the stuff he does is straight out of his unconscious mind, for self-protection or maybe to punish me for perceived slights. but that he doesn’t seem to do it consciously. it’s just crazy to think that i could have read him that wrongly. for 10 years. but either way, whether he devises his cruelty or it just happens because he’s fucked up, i know i can’t be around him. i can’t do it anymore, it was killing me, truly. and that’s what i need to focus on.
then she talked about her ex husband again, which makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like it when she tells me about her life or when she cries about her kids. normally, i would feel honored that someone would be open and vulnerable with me, but in this setting, it feels so unprofessional. i think maybe the reason i didn’t want to see her pro-bono is because i was afraid she’d do a lot more crying and personal stuff. like, she told me she had dreams about me, etc. it just felt super awkward. but, it’s a small town and $30 is manageable, and i like her in a lot of ways.
then I decided to go all in and attend an OA meeting afterward. i really did not want to do this for numerous reasons. sighhhhh. but i know i need to reach out and start making connections in order to be less isolated. on the way to the meeting he texted, “<3 have you thought any more about [college city]”. they’re going next mon, tues, weds and he got a really awesome hotel downtown. he’s insists he wants me to go, and maybe he’s sincere, who knows. one thing i know for sure is that i DO NOT want to go. i was clear with him before that i am not going. i didn’t respond to his text.
the OA meeting was at a church. I have trouble with churches, too many bad memories. when i went in i saw that it was only 2 ladies, both whom i remembered from before, both who i liked. they were really nice to me. when it came time for me to talk, i gave a very brief explanation of why i stopped going (trouble with the 3rd step– higher power), and the fact that I’d recently experienced a deep betrayal that led to extreme dissociation and depression. but altho I’ve gained 75 (!) pounds since i saw them last, i’d also lost 150 two weeks ago when i kicked out my bf of 10 years. clever stuff/s
they gave me their numbers and took mine and said they’re going to harass me. they’re really nice, and I think they get it. one of the ladies is 70 something. i used to hang out with her a bit when i went before. we’d go on walks. she’s really a wise one, but something about her troubles me, makes me uncomfortable, scares me. not sure what it is. i think it’s because she smells bad. like she doesn’t shower or wash her clothes. i know full well that’s a sign of depression, but she acts so chipper. she really seems like the cheeriest person. but she openly talks about how she always felt like she had to “have a ham hock around her neck to get kids to play with her”. weird analogy, but i get it. so she is not hiding the fact that she desperately needs approval. which would explain the cheeriness. part of me thinks that scares me because i don’t want to be there if she snaps into depression mode, because i wont know how to deal with it, dont want to get drawn in to another person’s emotional demands (ie my mom). another part of me thinks it scares me because i relate too closely. either way, i feel selfish, wanting the help, but not wanting to give it. wishing i could be an island. telling myself that not every older woman will be like my mom.
then this weird thing happened, which happens to me sometimes and i hate so much. i got her smell on me. i can still smell her. it’s been hours. she gave me a good long hug, but that couldn’t have done it, right? its got to be psychological? some kind of phantom smell? idk i have to go get dinner ready, but im going to change my clothes and pull my hair up and try not to think about it. ):
Life brings only good experiences. I am open to new and wonderful changes.
Before he even left, I started to prepare myself for what might happen. i realize now that i had been preparing for years, but this extra care did help. i bought books, a new yoga DVD, new underwear that he’d never seen or touched. and i bought a panda planner. seems overkill for someone who doesn’t work, but i wanted to plan the shit out of my breakdown/breakthru, whichever came. one of the sections in my daily pages is for an affirmation. the above is my affirmation for today.
I have a hard time with things like this. i am, like most people are im sure, of two minds. the skeptic and the believer. throughout my life i have veered between the two. in my childhood, very young, i remember thinking about this and deciding that i would be a believer, a daydreamer, and a romantic. or that i would fake it as much as possible. that’s pretty gross, really. one of my earliest memories is being 4 years old with my sister and a neighbor girl named Sandy. we were romping in our backyard with our dog, a boistrous yellow lab who had an irrepressible taste for stuffed animal guts, when I got it into my mind to climb to the top of the shed. i convinced sandy to join me, but my sister chose to stay on the ground reminding us every few minutes how stupid we were and how much trouble we were gonna get in. it was central california, it was twilight, and the sky was the palest blue with streaks of faint salmon pink on the horizon. from our roost on the shed we could see over the fence for the first time, and the neighbor’s yard was beyond disappointing. but i spied a streak of vapor in the sky from a plane — early chem trails no doubt 😀 — and i decided to have fun. i pretended it was an alien ship coming for us, coming for all of mankind. i remember deciding to act this out. i really got myself worked up. my sister was used to my nonsense, i believe she was an early prototype for squidward, but i got sandy really riled. we screamed and spazzed out on the top of the shed, and i grabbed sandy and told her, “this is it sandy, we’re going to have to jump we have to it’s the only way!” she said “you first.” and so i jumped. and sprained my ankle pretty bad. had to go to the hospital, etc. that’s why i remember it, i think. the pain. pain really seers things into our memories. at least some version of the experience.
I was a lonely, self-aware, observant child with a precocious streak that i had trouble controlling, even in dangerous times. i decided in high school to go along with the christian god thing. especially the exorcisms and demons and eternal torment. i was terrified a lot, and had some very weird experiences that i really can’t explain except to assume the power of imagination of a very troubled kid. once i was kicked out of my home and exposed to different types of families and people, i was graced with the distance i needed to look at my childhood objectively and see it for the balogna it was. and everything fell away. all the lies. not just the ones others told, but the ones i told myself. and i shed those lies only to live within the confines of new, deeper, subtler ones.
Cold Son* sings:
you will have your freedom then, and a brand new cage for you to be in.
I still lie to myself all the time. i keep realizing it anew. it’s so crazy. because i work on myself constantly. it’s a personality tick– i notice a problem or a weird thing, and i can’t stop picking at it until I’ve got a huge painful mess. i have been told by more than one therapist that i am “remarkably self-aware”. and yet i constantly deceive myself. and the strange part is, i somehow know it at the time. its like a shadow knowledge. later, once something is fully revealed, i see that shadow very clearly and know that i always knew. i see the mechinations of my duplicity, but at the time im oblivious. this way i can partake in my bullshit wide-eyed and innocent.
this is the two selves. the conscious and unconscious? i started by talking about how skeptical i am of affirmations, but how i also think, “fuck it, why not? brainwash myself? im in! if it’s not me, it’ll just be somebody else, right?” but ended up talking about the see-saw dynamic of the conscious/unconscious. i guess the correlation is that i felt like an idiot while repeating my affirmation today in the car, like a real robot dumbass. “life only brings good experiences” is some seriously twisted philosophical shit. and you have to truly believe in life to believe that.
but the truth is, im of the mind that life isn’t all that. like, take it or leave it. am i glad i was born? meh. am i afraid to die? well, sort of, the pain part, the horror, that effect on my fam, but being dead? fuck it, i don’t care. people die in so many jacked up ways. i hate knowing how people die, because it colors their whole life, this morbid wash just seeps into everything. all my memories of them have that gory factoid shitting on the whole scene. i hate that. and death is so unfair — diseases, car accidents, random crime, purposeful crime, stupid decisions that everyone makes, but for some ppl? bam they’re dead — that’s some bs! some ppl get taken out young, some die at the worst times and other people just go on and on with no explanation. to me all this says is that death is a joke. i don’t believe in an afterlife. but when death is such bs like that, makes you not even believe in life. what’s the point? why try? there’s nothing to hold on to. ephemera, man. energy candy.
OK, i’m ranting and not saying anything. basically, the affirmation annoyed me, but i did it anyway. i’m doing all this “stupid” stuff anyway. i’m torn because i believe both– nay, i believe neither. yeah, i’m just going thru the motions pretending that something’s happening. or will happen. or whatever. same thing as me on the shed trying to make things matter. same thing as all the roles i inhabited with passion and the games i willing played with my ex. thinking it was going to make a difference. were those “all good experiences”, Louise Hay? she would say yes, i know. but i feel like i’m just killing time, waiting for what? idk
wish i could express myself better today. on a positive note — no contact with him in two days so !
*this is a goddamn beautiful song:
Pro-Tip: best way to listen to it: earbuds, swings, twist around the chain as much as possible, close your eyes and lean back as you untwist and retwist and untwist again and again. open your eyes if the sky is beautiful…sighhhh so good
Station H 