Opiate Hangover

i feel terrible. that terrible feeling that everything is just bad. it’s sort of like depression, but different. it’s the opiate hangover. 

i woke up this morning with pain going down my left leg and throbbing in my thigh bone. i knew shoveling was a bad idea yesterday. my son had done 99% of the shoveling, but he didnt clear the sides of the entrance to the driveway well enough and i knew that once it froze it would be hard to maneuver both cars thru it. and i was energized after having rejected my ex for the first time. so i disregarded wisdom, and worked at it for about 20 min. the snow was soo heavy that i had to bend way down to lift the shovel. each shovel full, i had to stand and arch back to release the pressure. 

just pure idiocy, considering how damaged my back is, and how easily it flares. so when i woke this morning in pain, i wasn’t surprised. i had to go to costco tho. i needed dog food, and i buy the kirkland brand. it was only moderately busy, but still took me 45 min because i picked up other things. slogging around in my heaving snow boots.

by the time i got home i’d decided it was going to be a norco afternoon. i made lunch, took care of some stuff, and then took half a norco. that’s the most my stomach can handle, and it’s enough to put me in lala land so i dont feel the pain and can relax. i had my legs on my wedge and a hot pad under my back and i floated in painless happiness for roughly 2-3 hours.

opiates make everything feel just so nice. the hot pad was divine. pure heaven. the alpaca blanket. the warmth and weight of the dog laying on me released a slow joy. the world seemed ok. i forgot about my ex and the future and just reveled in the pleasure of life and the rightness of everything. its like floating in the clouds, but theyre extra warm and cuddly clouds and they love you so much because youre really an amazing person.

thats the allure of opiates for me. if only i could feel like that forever. but, its 2-3 hours, and then i feel groggy and dizzy for another 2-3 hours. but then…the hangover. its basically feeling the exact opposite of the cuddly cloud high. i feel low, and everthing feels wrong. wrong in a way that can never be right. and the future holds only worse. and, for me, after 1/2 a norco, this state lasts ~6 hours. it really sux, and i have to keep reminding myself that it’s not real; it’s the medicine.

rn im about 4 hours into the dark despondance. my leg pain is lessened significantly. when the muscles relax, the pressure on my spine diminshes which releases the nerve. so that’s good. but damn. if it wren’t for that, it would not be worth it. its 9 hours of discomfort and misery for just a couple of hours of bliss. and trying to chase the bliss by popping more and more pills is…ugh i shudder to imagine it! the pain after would have to be tremendous.

after my surgery the dr. insisted that i take all pills as instructed. i was on 2 norco 4x/day for 2 weeks. also muscle relaxers. i was basically comatose for most of it. but i started decreasing immediately after the prescribed time, because i have seen opiate addiction up close, both pills and heroin. i knew i had to get off them asap. it was awful. 

i only have a handful of them left. from a Rx i got in 2011, so they’re pretty old and faded, im sure. but they do help with the pain flares. and i dont think my new dr. will prescribe more, since docs have gotten tight with opiates lately. understandably. 

overall the day was pretty crap. ate well, had some gross tea, got a few things done, mostly good conversations with the kids (one argument with the boy), no exercise + guilt stares from dogs for not walking them (altho the boy played with them a little), and the drug induced bad feelings. 

tomorrow, we’re supposed to have sun and 40* so if my back is improved at all, i am going to take the dogs to walk at the lake. and while there, im going to think about all new things and not remember the thousands of times my ex and i spent there. sigh

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“Thanks, but No Thanks”

So today i had to do a bunch more college stuff, make calls, find more documents, get them scanned, more calls, find links that were emailed months ago and create portals, etc. every time i think i’ll just get this one thing taken care of, it turns into three new tasks, and i know behind each of them are more things. and this is why i hate being an adult sometimes.

then i needed to call him because apparently there were two sets of test scores (times two kids) that needed post marked by today and i have already paid for 8 (times two), so i am tapped out in that dept., so i called. he said fine and would i mind if he goes to my daughters dance performance tomorrow. i said that’s fine. its her thing, they have a rela, it’s fine. he said, well im not doing anything the rest of the day, so if you want maybe we can do something. i said, oh i have an idea you could hit the road after. which is just cheesy, wtv. he laughed, we laughed, and got off the phone

that was all it took for my mind to unravel. he doesnt have anything going on tomorrow? does that mean he has something going on tonight? why didnt he ask to spend the night tonight so he wouldn’t have to get up early to drive (since he lives 45 min away)? not that i would have agreed, but it would have been a logical excuse. maybe he does have plans, maybe he’s dating someone. the last time he came over, he spent two nights, we slept in the same bed and were not intimate at all. i thought it was my doing, since i was not inviting and had no intention of letting him be close to me. but maybe it was his plan too, because he’s dating or fucking people? 

i had a dream a couple of nights ago that he and i were in some loft and he had made all these plans and i didnt want to do them so i said so. somehow we started arguing and i started interrogating him. he confessed he’s been having casual sex and i was so angry. i didnt blow up but i just kept questioning him. this is very much what it was like after i found out about the cheating. just pure hell. and not like me. i hated being that way, but it was like a horrible compulsion. and in my dream it was all back. when i woke i thought, no matter what…i will never do that again. i will just walk away. i can’t be that pathetic again.

and in my head tonight im falling into that trap again. i was thinking how he wants to hang out, just wants to be friends. fuck this guy! seriously!  this sucks so much! in a normal sitch, that bridge would have long since burned, turned to ash, and blown away by now. but because of the kids, and the house and the animals, i have to walk this nightmare tightrope!  it’s murder. its so awful.

i realized today that altho i have always had serious insecurities and an overall inferiority complex (that sometimes masked as a superiority complex, i think, a little), i have never had this ridiculous self-esteem issue. like, i really feel like a piece of shit. before i met him, it never dawned on me to wonder why someone would want to be my friend or date me. i never considered myself a 10, in fact i was hyper critical and never felt “good enough”, but i based a lot of my self-worth on the reaction i got from other people. my friends seemed to genuinely think i was pretty and nice. i always had a few guys interested, and the ones i engaged with said all kinds of nice stuff about me. and i sort of gathered it up and believed about half of it and that was basically who i thought i was. 

im not saying that’s healthy. but the way i feel now, after 10 years with this guy, i mean. i feel like an absolute freak. like some kind of wretched monster. today i was going about my business, taking care of all kinds of stuff, which is rare and wonderful in these last few years of depression. there are days with depression, that i count putting a pen in a drawer to be a win. so yeah i was feeling pretty great today because i had taken care of maybe a dozen serious things. and as im walking into the post office, i caught my reflection in the glass, and i was shocked and horrified. there she was again. the hideous monster.

how did this happen? how did he do it? i wish i could delineate every little subtle thing he said and did that picked my fragile self esteem apart and left me this sad lump on the ground. because then, maybe id have something to work with. something to look at and say, “oh! yes, here! i know *this* is wrong! Ha!” and be done with it little by little. but i dont know how he did it. but i know he’ll do it again. to whoever lets him. to the next insecure girl who is willing to follow him down his dark paths in hopes of another one of his paltry stale crumbs.

i hate him

but let me look at it closer. all of my strife this evening comes down to Wanting Him To Love me. that same old thing. i dont actually want him. i dont find him attractive. he’s quite ugly, and his body is gross. he’s not romantic, nor does he say sweet things. i dont like hanging out with him. he hardly ever has anything interesting to say, he’s not creative, he’s not clever. he’s negative and ugly and selfish and controlling and self-obsessed. and somehow he’s made me desperately want his approval. that is his dark gift. and it doesnt matter how he does it. what matters is that i stop thinking about what he wants, and start thinking about what i want. then it’s clear: i dont want him. i want to be free of him. i feel better with him gone. im happier. my kids are happier. things are peaceful. i am more calm, and i feel my health returning. i have interacted with more people in the 6 weeks he’s been gone than i did in the last 3 years. literally. and that isolation is a real killer. and im breaking thru it. i have days without depression. i have seen a ray of hope a number of times. i heard my own intuition speak to me two nights ago!  i have faith that things can get better, that I can get better. and no matter what he’s doing with his life, whether he’s living it up or miserable, it is not my concern. i need to release that. 

so tomorrow, after the dance thing, when he asks to hang out, im going to say “no thank you”. and when he asks why, im not going to lie, nor am i going to tell him how i feel. he hasn’t earned the right to know. im just going to say…”thanks but no.”

and go home and call a friend

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