I didn’t purposely skip day 13, altho it’s fun to imagine that I would be that suspicious. I actually skipped posting yesterday, because i had to attend to my back. that included opiates and laying prone or on back with legs propped. I have this disability that usually lets me feel pretty normal as long as i don’t do anything or go anywhere. sitting for periods longer than 30 min, esp in a car, standing for 20, esp that shuffling walk/stand you do while shopping, anything like that can trigger a flare up. exercising more than a tiny bit at a time? flare up.
I was in a car accident years ago and then surgery on my spine/discs. in one area of my spine, where i lost 90% of one disc, there’s a bunch of “junk” (my neurologists word), just kinda hanging out. as long as there’s no inflammation, im relatively pain-free. anything that causes even the slightest inflammation, like say, a good workout, yoga, etc., causes connection between the junk and random nerves. once that happens, the pain causes the muscles to gaurd, or bunch up. more pressing, more pain. i have learned over the years, and the many hospital visits when it got so bad i couldn’t walk or control my bladder, some ways to get that shit to calm down. mainly, i lay prone as much as possible, take all the drugs to calm the muscles, and i say mantras, literally, to my lizard brain to try to soothe the fears that keep things reacting. this can take a day or two, or MONTHS! sighhhh its crazy. it’s also very discouraging and depressing.
its hard for me to gauge how much activity I can get away with. usually walking is ok if i stay very moderate and don’t try to go too long. i really want to do yoga for the emotional healing it is supposed to offer, but the dominance of core-strengthening gets me every time. i got the easiest, easiest DVD, which isn’t easy enough since im basically an infant. and i tried to modify her easy poses to make them easier. i wasn’t stupid enough to go for plank, but i did her modified plank. seemed OK. i really dont know what set my back off this time. probably the yoga, but could have been my dog pulling the leash, the insane emotional stress, the very slight tapering off benzodiazipines im trying to sneak thru, idk.
whatever it was, I did no excercise two days ago, but the nerve pain persisted. so yesterday i aggressively treated: ice, heat, legs on the wedge, stretches, medications. i only can tolerate 1/2 of a norco, so that’s what i took. it makes me very dizzy and happy. i have to be very careful for the next day or two, because they are so addictive. as a person with a tendency toward escapism/addiction, it has been a challenge using opiates responsibly for the last 12 years, but, except for a slight dalliance in the beginning, im proud to say i have done so.
anyway, today I am letting myself do a little more, not much. it was impossible to stay in bed this morning because my son has decided its time to get organized. I’ve got a little bit of the control freak going, and when i hear him doing stuff, i can’t stand not knowing what he’s putting where. then when i see him working, i want to help. so we organized the back hall which desperately needed it. then he cleaned the filthy sliding glass door (5 animals) while i scrubbed down the kitchen. one side of the blinds were sickening. plus i washed down the cabinets and shelves and walls and cleaned the hell out of the toaster oven. then he worked on the laundry area, while i dusted the dining room, living room, and entry way. they’re all really just one big room, but i like breaking it up like that. 🙂 i took breaks in between and stretched, so hopefully i don’t regret it, because it felt amazing! im cleaning the kitchen blinds thinking, “how did i let things get like this??” its crazy. i feel like Eomer, the King of Rohan when Gandalf finally exorcised Saruman. at least my eyes seemed to lose that depression-glaze. wish the fat and wrinkles would fade away as quickly.
also, well, I texted him yesterday. it was the first real discussion. i was drugged BTW, but still, i know i am responsible for it. it happened because i saw that the girl he was involved with last, the one who caused a lot of grief for me, lets call her…sally. well, sally had a twitter account where she liked to post lots of videos of them together. sex stuff. it was a pit of self-flaggelation for me. watching the videos, saving them, watching and rewatching. letting the pain fill me with the promise that This Misery would be the fuel i needed to finally get rid of him. i obsessed on it. it wasn’t healthy at all. and then one day, her twitter was gone. no doubt suspended, as it had been numerous times for violations — of their rules and greater good of humanity. it was a pretty fetid site, with lots of highly photoshopped weird angle butt shots, posts about males being filth pigs who needed to pay her, and long diatribes about how “wifey” is a disgusting worthless POS. she also had trouble keeping clients, because she really didn’t know how to do the domme thing. all of her obsessive posts about him irritated her small client base who had a hard time worshipping their findomme when she was basically begging one of the pigs to come back to her. so, in addition to the wives and gfs that found her site, they probably also reported her. and she got shut down. and that was very freeing for me. once it was gone. i still had the pix and videos, but i was not compelled daily to see if there was more. because there was always more.
since it went down 6 months ago, I have occasionally checked it, scratching that old itch. i hoped, for her sake, she’d moved on to something she was better at. but then, yesterday, there it was, all fresh and new. this time, smartly, blocked. of course it’s easy to make a fake account and get approved by her to see her nonsense, look for more. and if we were still together, sadly, i might have done. but, we aren’t, and im not. im letting it go. but not before making the big assumption that he had something to do with it. that she was back posting her rubbish on twitter because he was free and they’re together. and while i have no control over that, i do have control, for a very short amount of time, of my kids. and i felt like no way is he taking them on a road trip if he’s self-destructing with this idiot again. if he’s back involved with her, he’s also binge drinking, and who knows what else. so yeah. that’s where my head was
its’ too long to transcribe*, but basically, I was like “no it’s not a good idea for you to go on this trip if you’re self-destructing (btw, that’s his explanation/description of why he did all the things he did: his dad got sick, he had a “mid-life crisis” (debunked phenomenon), and self-destructed).”
he was like “what, huh? idk what you’re talking about! i know nothing about it! dear god i hope she’s not posting pix of me again!”
and im like, “whatever dude, i don’t believe you.
and he’s like, “omg i love you i love the kids, i swear im not involved with her in any way. im hating this silence between us. dont you miss me dont you want to watch movies and cuddle? i dont know what you’re thinking, and dont tell me not to worry about it! why dont you let me come over and help around the house and we can talk about stuff.”
im like, “no i have plans.”
he’s like, “cancel them.”
im like “no. and btw the house is fine everything is fine.”
he’s like, “im sure you’re doing well i feel empty inside but please dont cancel the trip, im really looking forward to seeing you guys.”
so i said, “idk let me think about it”
today I wrote,
OK talked with kids, they aren’t into (one college)’s tour enough to warrant the risk of the pass. I am still willing to allow them to go if you swear you aren’t doing any crazy stuff (to include, but not limited to, whores and binge drinking). i decided not to go.
the (other college) tour starts at 1pm and with interviews could go as late as 4. that would put you back on the hwy pretty late. maybe consider enjoying the city that evening and staying another night?
as for the emptiness you feel. you felt it before you met me, so it’s no surprise you’re feeling it again. you will get used to it, and you may eventually, through your own effort or just dumb luck, find something that fills it again.
I thought this was a pretty decent summation. he flipped out asking why im being so fucking mean when he’s so sad. and im acting like we’re not getting back together. and no he’s not whoring, but yes he’s still drinking. he said it’s who he is.
i said “im sorry to hear that. alcoholism is an insidious disease” and he got riled anew.
so i said, “im sorry i gtg”
and he said,
u want honesty then don’t make me need to lie to you in order that u dont cut me off. that is fucking mean. why are you doing this? what do you want?
i said,
all im saying is I don’t want the kids around it. not just directly, but even an alcoholic who’s barely holding it together til they’re gone and he can get wasted again.
im sorry I really do have to go.
he said,
why are you fucking with me. im so sad.
I said,
it’s OK to be sad
he said,
yeah maybe its ok. doesn’t feel ok. I need to move on this drinking before it’s too late.
end of communication.
*the text i put in call-out quotes is exact, the rest is paraphrase.
so, all in all I think it was an OK exchange. i held my ground and didn’t get dragged into emotional back and forth. i kept it on topic. for all his ‘i love you’s and im sad’s’, the reality is, he doesn’t want to be together. breaking up is just hard. ours was literally (!) his first relationship, so this is his first break up. god. so nuts. ive been thru half a dozen serious break ups, so i can be grateful for that. i am trying to avoid caretaking, which is a role i so easily slide into and one he desperately wants me to inhabit. i gave him a tiny bit, that last text, and resisted more. as much as a part of me wants him to suffer for the bs he put me thru, i don’t really want him to. i love him and truly want the best for him in the long run. im just very angry and hurt by the way everything happened, but i am myself to blame in part for allowing it. i knew from DAY 1 who he is. not exactly, but my instincts told me to run, and i did not. so.
two weeks done.
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Station H 