The Year of Effortless Power

today was a good day. i had an appointment at the Kroc center (gym). it was a mandatory orientation thing to get a scholarship to lower the cost of my membership. i now will only have to pay $24/month for a fam membership. sadly, that’s tough for me, now that i have taken on a large portion of the household bills since we split up. let’s just say im looking up plasma donation places to get thru my kids bday. it’s their 18th bday and i really want to do something special. but yeah, times are tough.

anyway, the good news is that during the orientation…well, first let me paint this picture: i sat there with bitch-face as usual. i feel bad about it, especially at like this charity thing. we can’t help our faces. but i have an attitude too. it’s so ingrained. it’s posture, it’s other stuff. it’s partly the way i dress as well, im sure. i know it’s basically a church, but i dont think they care that i wear all black and my hair is black and im white as a sheet. but when you put it all together, im afraid i stand out. when really, im just trying to NOT stand out. 

but while i was sitting thru the presentation looking haughty and bored but actually just trying to mask my social anxiety, i was flipping thru the catalog of classes. and i started to get this weird feeling. like, i guess i was maybe imagining a world without my ex and without my kids even, where im not howling in an ever-deepening vortex of abyss. instead, maybe taking a yoga class. or joining the knitting circle they host on tuesdays. or something. i think this is what i need to do, well, someone told me yesterday this is what i need to do. but i didnt  know what she meant until i was sitting there with all these options presenting themselves.

plus i ate well. altho it occurred to me that ive been lying to myself again. i am doing an abstinence plan that is no sugar, no caffeine, no dairy + 3 meals a day, no snacks. first, i started having tea before bed, which can’t count as a snack. then i started to add coconut/almond creamer to my tea, which is very low cal, and not dairy. then i started getting Rebbl Matcha Lattes. only twice. but they have green tea (caffeine), and honey (basically sugar), and a little bit of heaven. so then, today, i was rushed after my orientation and stopped at starbucks and got — NO MOCHAS thankfully — but i got an egg & gouda sandwich thing. it’s only 350 cal. but it has dairy and the white bread, tho not technically excluded, is something i’ve been successfully avoiding. 

so im pretty much letting stuff sneak in. i mean, im sneaking stuff in. and not letting myself think about it. it’s pretty crazy that _I_ can do something while at the same time _I_ look the other way. wth. anyway, im not going to be rigid and “start over”, im still at 17 days abstinence, since the infractions were pretty slight. and i’ve already decided to make it “no coffee” instead of no caffeine, and allow 1-2 cups of organic green tea before 12pm, for now. BUT im going to quit it with the Rebbls and figure out something abstinent for those times im out and in a pinch.

but since i was feeling pretty encouraged by a vague image of a possible future before the eventual black abyss, i called Mollie. i dont always want to cry and moan, i wanted to share positivity too. she was very happy for my good news, but was busy. before we hung up she said something really nice. she said that there is something really amazing about me that is hard to explain, but it’s like even in my darkest hour, i always find a way to be raw and open. 

so i’ve gotten weird compliments occasionally in my life. i have been told i have a good forehead. and that the whites of my eyes are very white. i once was told that i really have a way of walking out of a room, which was meant as a biting insult, but i took it as a badge of honor. why thank you, mother, i do, dont i 🙂 but this compliment from mollie, tho i dont understand how she sees that, feels like a very real and great thing. so i felt doubly glad after that. 

on the way home, i thought about how i was only beautiful for one year of my life. 17 years old. before that i was either a scraggly tom-boyish hood rat or a chubster (ages 10-16). by chubby, i mean 20 pounds overweight. to some people that’s nothing, but to a white girl in the late 80s, it’s enough to ostracize you. at 16, i got dumped in a really eh, a bad situation. my mom was dealing with husband no. 2, who was a true skeeze, and i guess i just wanted to take control of my life.  like, i finally realized i could do that. i secretly started eating smaller portions. if my mom knew i was trying to lose weight, she would have sabotaged me and picked me apart. luckily, she didnt pay close enough attention to notice me eating less, or i would have most likely resorted to purging. i also started doing a Kathy Ireland workout video. i had the one video, i wore that shit out. by the end of the summer, i’d shed the 20 pounds. 

thus i entered into the year of effortless power. i was as close to a perfect women as i would ever get. i was tall and athletic/thin with an hourglass shape. i had a pretty, friendly face, long thick hair. i was bright, but not savvy. nieve, even. i had no self-esteem and was desperate to please. every man i met loved me. i got pulled over, no tickets. men randomly bought me shit. my groceries always taken to my car. they insisted. i had men, strange, random, creepy, old men, approach me in libraries and essentially bow as they offered me books they thought i would like. books about witchcraft and erotica. it didnt matter what i said or did, because no one was listening or paying attention. they were just looking and imagining. i remember getting frustrated because i would try to talk to boys in school about assignments, and their eyes would glaze over and they’d smile and nod in a daze. 

i couldn’t walk down the street without being catcalled relentlessly. i was already socially anxious and insecure as hell, so being approached was pretty scary. and rightly so. i was attacked twice that year. my skeezy step dad put the moves on me one night, after months of doing no-contact pervy shit, and at my boyfriends urging, i told my mom. she said, and i’ll never forget it, “how can you do this to me when things are finally going so well?” then they went on a walk on the levy to discuss it, and i sat on the couch with acid stomach. my brain was numb. i had no other family. i had no options. i wouldn’t have stayed in that hell house as long as i did if i had. my sister had been long gone and my brother had gone to stay with his dad (husband #2). my mom and the skeeze came back and he smirked as she said, “well we talked about it and…i believe him.” as in, i dont believe you. 

i was devastated naturally. i hid in my bedroom. i showered and dressed in the dark. (my instincts were right, it was later discovered that he had been video taping me in my room and the shower, which my mom was aware of all along.) after a few miserable weeks, where i was breaking down in class and just being totally erratic, i was threatened with suspension for cutting class. so i decided to reach out for help. thats what the teen magazines said to do — tell a teacher or someone at school. i told the counselor. they called a CPS worker and my mom and her skeeze, and we all had a sit down. it was brutal. i could barely speak with my mom there. after the meeting the adults decided i was lying to get out of cutting class. 

when i got home that night, as late as i could stand to stay out, there were black garbage bags on the front step. they had actually changed the locks. i took my garbage and went back to my car and drove.*

i ended up couch surfing with friends, as long as their judgy parents would let me, until i finished high school. i never felt welcome at their homes. i didnt want to waste their water or take their food. i got a job right away, of course since i was a dumb, pretty 17 year old, and with the unsettled lifestyle and some of my own money, i started going to fast food. i had gained 45 pounds by graduation. 

thus the window of effortless power closed. beauty, and being wanted for sex, is the height of power for women. and if i had been smarter or less damaged, maybe i could have wielded it more successfully. instead i just got run over and spat out, like so many young women. 

the weird part is, and im still trying to get my head around this, is that since that time, i have unconsciously done everything i can to get back to that. and i berate and castigate myself so harshly for every second that i dont achieve that goal. it’s not just a goal weight. there is this livid, hateful part of me that desperately wants to get back to that place, like literally go back in time, and do it differently. not be so weak. have the knowledge i have now and be ready for each and every  one of those people who hurt me. to combine the power of knowledge and inner strength (real power) with the patriarchically assigned female-power. 

but that’s so stupid. it’s so futile. its impossible and pointless. and recognizing that part of me, acknowledging that righteous anger, comforting that lonely damaged betrayed child, is really the only way to freedom. because we can’t go back, honey. we’ll never be her again. but, we dont need to. we dont need to fix it, or to even the score. the only thing we need to do is let it go.

let it go…

 

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Day 11. A Wrench in the Plan

11 days is nothing. 11 days is a vast length of time. both are true. I feel like I have been through so much and that so much has changed in the last 11 days. it boggles my mind that it has only been this long. I decided we wouldn’t communicate for 30 days except for the utmost necessity, and yet i think it has been 4 times. they were at least 99% businessy. but now there is a possible problem.

my kids want to interview at a college two states away and tour at another in a neighboring state during the first week of winter break, the week of the 18th. this is a wise idea for them, but it causes a serious problem for me. either I stick with my plan to not communicate with him and let him take them, missing an exciting, memorable event with my kids, or i go and be fake nice, which is excruciating for me, after everything. unfortunately, i cannot take them alone because of my disability. 

my son asked him if would take them, and he jumped at the chance. flying would be ideal, but at this late date, it would be super expensive for 3 to travel to two different destinations (like 2k). my son told him I wanted to go if they drove– he misunderstood something I’d said, but i didn’t correct him. because im not sure what to do. my first instinct is hell fucking no! but staying home will make me feel like a loser no-good mother, and i’ll prob be depressed. 

besides this sudden stomach-turner, I have been doing a little better. staying busy, eating well & exercising no-matter-what is helping a lot. im listening to a book called, Life Reimagined: The Science, Art, and Opportunity of Midlife by Barbara Bradley Hagerty. it’s great because it’s written by a journalist, so it’s straight forward (totally non-emotional). so far, her main point is that you can have a satisfying midlife and beyond if you really engage with life. but the best part is, it’s not about breakups or infidelity or any of that stuff. however it does interest me greatly, because I am 42 and have been grappling with death anxiety since 2012 when I visited my father’s grave for the first time since he died in 1980. OK, i have been dealing with death anxiety since i was 27 and had a psychotic break, or nervous breakdown. yes, i think that’s when it started. 

BTW. death anxiety is a fascinating concept to consider. My favorite book that addresses it is Irvin Yalom’s “Existential Psychotherapy.”

Also, I have not responded to my ex-therapists offer to see me in two weeks for $30. it is a doable rate, but her response was cold, and i ended things with her for a reason. It’s just that this is a small town and her offer is affordable. but, is it worth it to get therapy that might not be good? hmmmm. another conundrum.

however, I did do some responsible things today. i scheduled to get my car looked at tomorrow, i set up the college interviews for my kids, i emailed their school counselor about something. all of this on top of walking, yoga, & showering. these things were almost impossible for me a month ago. so i really do appreciate this movement in a positive direction.

socially: I have tried to but failed to attend several AA meetings in my area. I am not an alcoholic, per se, but i have an addictive personality. i switch up my addictions. alcohol has been my drug of choice at times, altho less often than other vices. but AA meeting are ubiquitous and the conversations had in those rooms can be incredibly powerful. so im trying to get to one. still speaking about social connections, i look forward to my friend and her wife coming over for dinner saturday. it will be interesting because they only eat raw meat now, and im curious what that’s like. my son wants to try it D: but not me bleck!!! i barely can stand meat. and tonight i have a phone date at 7 with my old friend jake who i haven’t talked to in years, but have known since 2003. 

so, there’s a lot of positive things going on. focusing on that.

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Day 6

after all the quotes last night and nietzsche’s questions, I fell asleep surprisingly easy. i slept over 9 hours. it was beautiful. i had a pretty wild dream too. the first thing i remember is apartment hunting with him. we approached this huge complex that was kind of like a project, but with a Hawaiian style. i was not thrilled. next thing i know we’re inside and it’s furnished and kinda cool with its island vibe, but it’s ridiculous. totally rickety. the floors and walls and ceilings are made of these thin wood beams and covered with a thin canvas. you could see down into the apartment below you, and above. so, like, if i got out of bed, the person below could look right up my nightgown at my butt. i remember thinking that with horror. plus it felt like the whole thing was going to collapse. and it was 7-8 stories. as if that wasn’t bad enough, some old dude lets himself in and stomps thru the bedroom indignantly, heading to the bathroom where apparently he lives? he looks at us and shakes his head, “oh no! no way! i told them no young people!” he says and heads to his corner of the bathroom. i turn to my ex and say, “um wtf this isn’t going to work. this place is like match sticks and that dude? with the kids here? i can’t!” he agrees and says he’s going to talk to the manager and get our money back. he returns and says, “so they said if we stay they’ll give us another better unit”. i decided to view it before saying anything. we walk in and it’s pretty nice. real walls, nice antique furniture. im liking it a lot better, but i want to see the whole place. we walk down a hall and there’s a crack in the wall. well, the wall is like a plaster canvas that isn’t covering the whole space, so you can see thru. about 3-5″ is open. what i see is an enormous warehouse, like super old, 200 years old. really old equipment just packed right up against the plaster canvas wall. weird gears, all rusted. i ask the manager wth.  im thinking its crawling with spiders. she says oh yeah we’ll get this fully covered. pretty sketchy. but i am distracted cuz he calls me into the master bedroom. first i see the master bath. it’s pretty fricken nice. huge walk in shower you step down into , all marble, bunch of shower heads everywhere. everything super luxe vintage. wow! i think. then i turn to the master bedroom itself and my mind basically explodes. it’s the most luxurious things ive ever seen. remember back, it doesn’t seem all that great, but in my dream im just agog. it’s really long and just huge with very plush carpet and amazing windows. at the end of the room (im running with my arms outstretched in joy haha for real), there is a massive set of french doors. i bust thru them and find a very steep set of stairs down into a beautiful blue-green lush grass expanse. i cant stop running in ecstasy. just when i think I’ll have to stop, i see that the fence is quite low and i can step over it. i keep going and realize that i am in a communal grassy area for 5 mansions. i look at them and turn back to look at the building from which I’ve come. its huge and brick and the windows are like deep black pits. it’s haunted, i think, but i don’t care. i turn and keep running towards the ocean it seems. i reach the ocean and know that its the atlantic. there is a small bait and tackle houseboat there and i go inside. a handful of yuppy boys are running it. my joy has ebbed and i go to the counter and wait for someone to buy a pack of cigarettes. he opens the pack and the cigarette is shaped like a small crab wrapped in rolling paper. i buy my own pack, but ask for a different one. i feel defensive. i open mine and they’re smaller crab shapes wrapped in paper. i go to the back of the building and find a mattress on the floor with some haphazard bedding. the guy who bought the first pack joins me, altho we dont speak. im fiddling with my weird cigarette and he lights his and passes it to me. he says its weed. basically they just wrapped buds in paper without breaking them up. weird. but i take a few hits and the guy and i start talking. turns out it’s Lip from the show Shameless. after a while i realize uh im really into him rn. i start poking him with my toe. he’s like “what”, and i dont say it but wow im suddenly completely turned on, and he pretty much knows it. then there’s overly romantic cuddling and kissing, which i vividly remember being not great, and then some kind of dry humping that was really, REALLY amazing, and then! i woke up.

typical of me to have a sexy dream, but no sex. 

I know there’s a lot going on in that dream, but im just not even ready to think about it.

today I felt a bit happy, that’s the good news. i lost my temper once and yelled “fuck!” when i lost a stitch for the 4th time on this cowl im trying to knit in time to mail to the UK by christmas. embarrassing cuz my son was there ughhhh sux. i did apologize. not for cussing, but for startling him, poor guy. but other than that it was a pretty damn good day. i walked, i did yoga, i made good food choices, i connected with two friends, i even told an old friend who i love how hurt ive been that she’s ditched me the last 8 months when i really needed her most. she got defensive and nasty, like i knew she would. but i wanted to be honest and vulnerable with her even though i know she hates that. im actually not sure how thats going to work out. it could end the friendship, but if so, guess it’s meant to be. im not wasting my time contorting myself to please selfish, passive aggressive people anymore. 

oh another thing is, the kids mentioned casually that he has been texting them, and that he asked them to come visit him this weekend. I wanted to rip the phone out of their hands and read the texts, but i played it a little cooler than that. like, i asked a few more questions than i should have. when they said why don’t you just text him and ask him yourself i dropped it. dang. wish I’d asked nothing. i dont want them to know he and i aren’t talking for december, because they would think it weird. i dont want anything to seem weird or stressful for them, becasue they have so much going on with their senior year and sports and work etc. i dont want to add to it. but basically i discovered that every day he asks them the same questions: how are things at home: lots of cat barf? (not so cleverly disguised attempt to see if im ok, i’d guess), how is school? how is the college thing going? also today he asked if they’d like to come hang at his place. they said no we’re just too busy, which is true. 

ive really been thinking a lot about christmas and his visit. its only 6 days into the split and I can’t stop thinking of the best way to handle that. ive gone from one end of the spectrum to the other, but i think i need to let it go for a while. there’s time.

 

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