Opiate Hangover

i feel terrible. that terrible feeling that everything is just bad. it’s sort of like depression, but different. it’s the opiate hangover. 

i woke up this morning with pain going down my left leg and throbbing in my thigh bone. i knew shoveling was a bad idea yesterday. my son had done 99% of the shoveling, but he didnt clear the sides of the entrance to the driveway well enough and i knew that once it froze it would be hard to maneuver both cars thru it. and i was energized after having rejected my ex for the first time. so i disregarded wisdom, and worked at it for about 20 min. the snow was soo heavy that i had to bend way down to lift the shovel. each shovel full, i had to stand and arch back to release the pressure. 

just pure idiocy, considering how damaged my back is, and how easily it flares. so when i woke this morning in pain, i wasn’t surprised. i had to go to costco tho. i needed dog food, and i buy the kirkland brand. it was only moderately busy, but still took me 45 min because i picked up other things. slogging around in my heaving snow boots.

by the time i got home i’d decided it was going to be a norco afternoon. i made lunch, took care of some stuff, and then took half a norco. that’s the most my stomach can handle, and it’s enough to put me in lala land so i dont feel the pain and can relax. i had my legs on my wedge and a hot pad under my back and i floated in painless happiness for roughly 2-3 hours.

opiates make everything feel just so nice. the hot pad was divine. pure heaven. the alpaca blanket. the warmth and weight of the dog laying on me released a slow joy. the world seemed ok. i forgot about my ex and the future and just reveled in the pleasure of life and the rightness of everything. its like floating in the clouds, but theyre extra warm and cuddly clouds and they love you so much because youre really an amazing person.

thats the allure of opiates for me. if only i could feel like that forever. but, its 2-3 hours, and then i feel groggy and dizzy for another 2-3 hours. but then…the hangover. its basically feeling the exact opposite of the cuddly cloud high. i feel low, and everthing feels wrong. wrong in a way that can never be right. and the future holds only worse. and, for me, after 1/2 a norco, this state lasts ~6 hours. it really sux, and i have to keep reminding myself that it’s not real; it’s the medicine.

rn im about 4 hours into the dark despondance. my leg pain is lessened significantly. when the muscles relax, the pressure on my spine diminshes which releases the nerve. so that’s good. but damn. if it wren’t for that, it would not be worth it. its 9 hours of discomfort and misery for just a couple of hours of bliss. and trying to chase the bliss by popping more and more pills is…ugh i shudder to imagine it! the pain after would have to be tremendous.

after my surgery the dr. insisted that i take all pills as instructed. i was on 2 norco 4x/day for 2 weeks. also muscle relaxers. i was basically comatose for most of it. but i started decreasing immediately after the prescribed time, because i have seen opiate addiction up close, both pills and heroin. i knew i had to get off them asap. it was awful. 

i only have a handful of them left. from a Rx i got in 2011, so they’re pretty old and faded, im sure. but they do help with the pain flares. and i dont think my new dr. will prescribe more, since docs have gotten tight with opiates lately. understandably. 

overall the day was pretty crap. ate well, had some gross tea, got a few things done, mostly good conversations with the kids (one argument with the boy), no exercise + guilt stares from dogs for not walking them (altho the boy played with them a little), and the drug induced bad feelings. 

tomorrow, we’re supposed to have sun and 40* so if my back is improved at all, i am going to take the dogs to walk at the lake. and while there, im going to think about all new things and not remember the thousands of times my ex and i spent there. sigh

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