Two Stupid, Weird things

two weird things happened today. 

this wasn’t one of them: the path season 3 is on Hulu, which thrilled me this am since i had no idea when it would come back. why do i love this show so much. it’s not that great. i guess, 1 cults, 2 the way it’s filmed so creepy, and 3 michelle monaghan. man! her character is super awesome and scary and relatable all at the same time. and in the first episode of season 3 — whoa! she never fails to move me.

anyway, here’s the 2 things:

first, my horrible ex-husband called me for the first time in 10 years. someday i hope to blog alllll about that nightmare. suffice to say that he is a true villain and sometimes immigration does get it right — he was deported to russia in 05. so he calls me as i was headed to my lunch date with mollie. im driving. he sounded the same. he lectured me about getting the kids in the best colleges (what?! hahaha wow. this guy), and then asked me to scan and send some old photos of him, and then said he had no regrets and has lived a pretty exciting life.  ive been researching NPD (narcissists) lately and dang. hadn’t gotten around to plugging him into the checklist, but wont need to now. i basically was like, ok yeah glad to hear you’re doing well, i gotta go. wtf. this man brutalized me AND the kids (they were infants). he humiliated me in public so many times. he almost killed me when i refused to have an abortion. he threatened me constantly with bodily harm and with stealing the babies. when i finally dared to escape him, he terrorized me. i slept with a gd gun under my pillow. that’s never a satisfying sleep. even after i fled california, he found me and tormented me. even after he was deported, he called and threatened me. and he was a scary guy; it was hard to ignore his threats. it really wasn’t until a few years ago that i could breathe a little easier, because the kids were old enough that if he tried to abduct them, they’d be able to fight back or escape. just crazy to have that door from the past opened out of nowhere and in the 5 min conversation, for him to gloat about how exciting his (deadbeat, drug addicted, crime-riddled) life has been. i mean, it probably was haha, but dont go bragging to me about it. “i have no regrets”, he said twice. i was going to write a scathing email, but opted for a short and sweet one. i basically said “listen i wish you well but we are not friends. you treated me and the kids terribly. you made my life hell. you have done nothing to amend for that nor have you done anything to earn back my respect or friendship.” so, he’ll probably have some lovely words in response, but w/e idc.

second thing: my stupid ass ex bf, the one i’ve been rambling on about for 2 months, the one i just told last weekend hey were not friends, sorry. you treated me like shit and im not into that anymore. (same script as above, huh.) well, he texted me a bunch today. like telling me his whole office has the flu (ignored). and he’s super scared he going to get it (ignored). and that his throat hurts so bad (ignored). and what do i want to do for the kids bday. this i felt was within the realm of what i will talk to him about (house business and kid business) which im sure is why he brought it up. nevertheless, i responded, “let’s worry about the kid’s birthday after we see if you’re still alive” or something. he sent a crying face (ignored). it blows my mind that hes just going to keep texting me like we’re…friends? i effing told him im not his friend.  if someone told me, hey im really not your friend, i wouldn’t be texting, oh my owie throat.  is it that he doesnt believe me? he has always said he thinks im lying when i say, like, standing up to him type stuff.  so that’s very possibly it. i guess its just ignore ignore ignore. he knows i have a hard time being mean, and he may think i think it’s mean to ignore him. but i dont. its rational. he’s a manipulator, and this is obvs more of his pathetic game.

not playing. i hope this is the extent of the shit he pulls.

Read Full Post »

The First Rejection

I can’t believe how good it feels to reject him. i think today was the first time i clearly rejected him. and there is guilt, as ridiculous s as that is, i do have guilt over it.  

this morning i reminded myself of my intention. i was going to say, “thanks but no thanks” when he tried to hang out after the dance thing. no matter what. so he texts that he’s running late. making it easier for me. he misses the first dance. then some other groups, younger girls, did their dances and then he shows up. i was hoping he’d stand at the wall but he squeezed thru to the open seat next to me that i did not purposely save. 

the minute i saw him i was like, ugh. he looked sickly. his lips were greyish. he sat next to me and i smelled a rotten stomach smell and cigarette smoke. afterward, we walked out and asked where the other was parked. he was way out in a second lot and i asked did he want a ride to his car so he wouldn’t have to slog thru the massive amount of snow slush. he said “no, but what do you want to do today?” i said “uh, nothing really, i dont want to hang out.” hes like (shocked) “why?” i said “i dont know, just dont feel like it.” then we were at my car and he walks to the passenger door and i said “oh you do want a ride to your car.” hes like, “might as well.” 

we drive to his car and he starts asking questions, business stuff about the kids and college and finances, stuff he knows im still willing to discuss. then he starts telling me some drama going on in his family. i somewhat care about these people even tho i’ve actually only met one of them. (living together 10 years and never met his family, js.) then he asked how i was and said, “you know this kind of feels like we’re hanging out, and i said i didnt want to do that.” he laughed, “yeah…i tricked you.” i said, “yeah, you know, i just dont want to hang out cuz we’re not friends.” (i decided to go there.) his eyes teared up, he said, “but we are friends i like being around you i love you.” i said, “sure i can understand that. but why would i want to be your friend? after the things you did to me, the lying, the betrayal? thats not how friends treat each other. normally i would never talk to you again, but because of the kids, which i do want to support that…but that doesnt mean that you and i have to be friends.” he said, “we can discuss this later” and turned to get out of the car. i said, “why? i dont want to talk later. i dont want to talk to you. you cheated and lied to me for 6 months and before that, you had me crawling on the floor like a dog. when i’m around you, i remember what that feels like. when im away from you, i feel like myself again. and when i feel like myself again, i can’t understand why i’d ever be around you again.”

he said, “im glad youre feeling like yourself again. im gonna go.” and got out of the car. i felt… stupid guilt, and fear of retribution, and relief. i drove off and called Mollie. i told her i was conflicted and stressed and really wanted to stop and get some gross greasy food rn.” she said just talk to me until you get past all the crack houses (fast food places and restaurants).  gotta love her. 

i got home and felt pretty great. the hunger passed and i shoveled the driveway a little bit. didnt want to mess with my back, but felt like doing something physical. then i played with my dogs and finally made a normal lunch with veggies and everything. damn.  it felt good to just be doing what i wanted. i’d stood up to his emotional draw. i had felt the pull, and a part of me was like c’mon lets just do it, this time might be different. but the bigger part of me remembered my intention and stayed strong and the reward was, i was home and free to do what i liked and to feel good and to not be in the groveling position im always in with him. 

it helped that he looked like shit, stunk and was late to an 11am event. that tells me he was up late drinking heavily and spending time with smokers (he doesnt smoke). but damned if i was going to ask him about it. that’s not my concern anymore. but it helped me stay strong. 

i am nervous of retribution. he could cause me a ton of problems financially. i dont think he would do it with the kids still here, but once they’re gone, ive got to have a plan. altho my friend kale said by then, i might be strong enough to placate him and be friendly enough that he’ll allow me to stay in my home. and altho that’s true, the thought of living that way nauseates me. i am not materialistic. i dont care about the house and furniture, etc. a reliable car is something. and my animals. but i have some time to plan.

then, a few hours ago he sent a text: “im not dealing with loss of you. too hard.”

sounds drunk. and this is the first text of this kind that he has sent in all this time. my gaurd went up, because i have to expect its manipulation. i was going to say you didnt lose me you thru me away. (dumb.) or ignore it. (prob would have been best.) but instead, an hour later, i wrote, “haha of course youre not. im the best thing thats ever happened to you.” he responded, “yes u r.” definitely drunk.

i am the best thing that ever happened to him. 

and im going to get thru this

Read Full Post »

“Thanks, but No Thanks”

So today i had to do a bunch more college stuff, make calls, find more documents, get them scanned, more calls, find links that were emailed months ago and create portals, etc. every time i think i’ll just get this one thing taken care of, it turns into three new tasks, and i know behind each of them are more things. and this is why i hate being an adult sometimes.

then i needed to call him because apparently there were two sets of test scores (times two kids) that needed post marked by today and i have already paid for 8 (times two), so i am tapped out in that dept., so i called. he said fine and would i mind if he goes to my daughters dance performance tomorrow. i said that’s fine. its her thing, they have a rela, it’s fine. he said, well im not doing anything the rest of the day, so if you want maybe we can do something. i said, oh i have an idea you could hit the road after. which is just cheesy, wtv. he laughed, we laughed, and got off the phone

that was all it took for my mind to unravel. he doesnt have anything going on tomorrow? does that mean he has something going on tonight? why didnt he ask to spend the night tonight so he wouldn’t have to get up early to drive (since he lives 45 min away)? not that i would have agreed, but it would have been a logical excuse. maybe he does have plans, maybe he’s dating someone. the last time he came over, he spent two nights, we slept in the same bed and were not intimate at all. i thought it was my doing, since i was not inviting and had no intention of letting him be close to me. but maybe it was his plan too, because he’s dating or fucking people? 

i had a dream a couple of nights ago that he and i were in some loft and he had made all these plans and i didnt want to do them so i said so. somehow we started arguing and i started interrogating him. he confessed he’s been having casual sex and i was so angry. i didnt blow up but i just kept questioning him. this is very much what it was like after i found out about the cheating. just pure hell. and not like me. i hated being that way, but it was like a horrible compulsion. and in my dream it was all back. when i woke i thought, no matter what…i will never do that again. i will just walk away. i can’t be that pathetic again.

and in my head tonight im falling into that trap again. i was thinking how he wants to hang out, just wants to be friends. fuck this guy! seriously!  this sucks so much! in a normal sitch, that bridge would have long since burned, turned to ash, and blown away by now. but because of the kids, and the house and the animals, i have to walk this nightmare tightrope!  it’s murder. its so awful.

i realized today that altho i have always had serious insecurities and an overall inferiority complex (that sometimes masked as a superiority complex, i think, a little), i have never had this ridiculous self-esteem issue. like, i really feel like a piece of shit. before i met him, it never dawned on me to wonder why someone would want to be my friend or date me. i never considered myself a 10, in fact i was hyper critical and never felt “good enough”, but i based a lot of my self-worth on the reaction i got from other people. my friends seemed to genuinely think i was pretty and nice. i always had a few guys interested, and the ones i engaged with said all kinds of nice stuff about me. and i sort of gathered it up and believed about half of it and that was basically who i thought i was. 

im not saying that’s healthy. but the way i feel now, after 10 years with this guy, i mean. i feel like an absolute freak. like some kind of wretched monster. today i was going about my business, taking care of all kinds of stuff, which is rare and wonderful in these last few years of depression. there are days with depression, that i count putting a pen in a drawer to be a win. so yeah i was feeling pretty great today because i had taken care of maybe a dozen serious things. and as im walking into the post office, i caught my reflection in the glass, and i was shocked and horrified. there she was again. the hideous monster.

how did this happen? how did he do it? i wish i could delineate every little subtle thing he said and did that picked my fragile self esteem apart and left me this sad lump on the ground. because then, maybe id have something to work with. something to look at and say, “oh! yes, here! i know *this* is wrong! Ha!” and be done with it little by little. but i dont know how he did it. but i know he’ll do it again. to whoever lets him. to the next insecure girl who is willing to follow him down his dark paths in hopes of another one of his paltry stale crumbs.

i hate him

but let me look at it closer. all of my strife this evening comes down to Wanting Him To Love me. that same old thing. i dont actually want him. i dont find him attractive. he’s quite ugly, and his body is gross. he’s not romantic, nor does he say sweet things. i dont like hanging out with him. he hardly ever has anything interesting to say, he’s not creative, he’s not clever. he’s negative and ugly and selfish and controlling and self-obsessed. and somehow he’s made me desperately want his approval. that is his dark gift. and it doesnt matter how he does it. what matters is that i stop thinking about what he wants, and start thinking about what i want. then it’s clear: i dont want him. i want to be free of him. i feel better with him gone. im happier. my kids are happier. things are peaceful. i am more calm, and i feel my health returning. i have interacted with more people in the 6 weeks he’s been gone than i did in the last 3 years. literally. and that isolation is a real killer. and im breaking thru it. i have days without depression. i have seen a ray of hope a number of times. i heard my own intuition speak to me two nights ago!  i have faith that things can get better, that I can get better. and no matter what he’s doing with his life, whether he’s living it up or miserable, it is not my concern. i need to release that. 

so tomorrow, after the dance thing, when he asks to hang out, im going to say “no thank you”. and when he asks why, im not going to lie, nor am i going to tell him how i feel. he hasn’t earned the right to know. im just going to say…”thanks but no.”

and go home and call a friend

Read Full Post »