Day 11. A Wrench in the Plan

11 days is nothing. 11 days is a vast length of time. both are true. I feel like I have been through so much and that so much has changed in the last 11 days. it boggles my mind that it has only been this long. I decided we wouldn’t communicate for 30 days except for the utmost necessity, and yet i think it has been 4 times. they were at least 99% businessy. but now there is a possible problem.

my kids want to interview at a college two states away and tour at another in a neighboring state during the first week of winter break, the week of the 18th. this is a wise idea for them, but it causes a serious problem for me. either I stick with my plan to not communicate with him and let him take them, missing an exciting, memorable event with my kids, or i go and be fake nice, which is excruciating for me, after everything. unfortunately, i cannot take them alone because of my disability. 

my son asked him if would take them, and he jumped at the chance. flying would be ideal, but at this late date, it would be super expensive for 3 to travel to two different destinations (like 2k). my son told him I wanted to go if they drove– he misunderstood something I’d said, but i didn’t correct him. because im not sure what to do. my first instinct is hell fucking no! but staying home will make me feel like a loser no-good mother, and i’ll prob be depressed. 

besides this sudden stomach-turner, I have been doing a little better. staying busy, eating well & exercising no-matter-what is helping a lot. im listening to a book called, Life Reimagined: The Science, Art, and Opportunity of Midlife by Barbara Bradley Hagerty. it’s great because it’s written by a journalist, so it’s straight forward (totally non-emotional). so far, her main point is that you can have a satisfying midlife and beyond if you really engage with life. but the best part is, it’s not about breakups or infidelity or any of that stuff. however it does interest me greatly, because I am 42 and have been grappling with death anxiety since 2012 when I visited my father’s grave for the first time since he died in 1980. OK, i have been dealing with death anxiety since i was 27 and had a psychotic break, or nervous breakdown. yes, i think that’s when it started. 

BTW. death anxiety is a fascinating concept to consider. My favorite book that addresses it is Irvin Yalom’s “Existential Psychotherapy.”

Also, I have not responded to my ex-therapists offer to see me in two weeks for $30. it is a doable rate, but her response was cold, and i ended things with her for a reason. It’s just that this is a small town and her offer is affordable. but, is it worth it to get therapy that might not be good? hmmmm. another conundrum.

however, I did do some responsible things today. i scheduled to get my car looked at tomorrow, i set up the college interviews for my kids, i emailed their school counselor about something. all of this on top of walking, yoga, & showering. these things were almost impossible for me a month ago. so i really do appreciate this movement in a positive direction.

socially: I have tried to but failed to attend several AA meetings in my area. I am not an alcoholic, per se, but i have an addictive personality. i switch up my addictions. alcohol has been my drug of choice at times, altho less often than other vices. but AA meeting are ubiquitous and the conversations had in those rooms can be incredibly powerful. so im trying to get to one. still speaking about social connections, i look forward to my friend and her wife coming over for dinner saturday. it will be interesting because they only eat raw meat now, and im curious what that’s like. my son wants to try it D: but not me bleck!!! i barely can stand meat. and tonight i have a phone date at 7 with my old friend jake who i haven’t talked to in years, but have known since 2003. 

so, there’s a lot of positive things going on. focusing on that.

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Day 1 Without

He moved out yesterday. I have been walking around numb, except for a vague feeling of a massive black wave of panic descending. Can I outrun it by staying busy? Can I avoid it by denying that feeling? Can I escape it with dissociation? Only time will tell.

I have bought a very easy yoga DVD and a white sage smudge stick. I plan to use both tomorrow after the kids return to school. I made a list of self-care ideas since dissociation makes it impossible to think of things. One thing on the list is fasting, but I decided against that. I have serious food issues and don’t need to trigger more problems. Instead I thought I would attempt a moderate grab at control by slowly eliminating certain type of unhealthy (for me) foods/food habits. caffeine, sugar, flour, snacking, and dairy eventually. Getting a grasp on my food habits will go a long way toward making me feel safe.

I also want to spend time outside. Wandering always makes me feel melancholy and alone, which is accurate. I want to avoid feeling this way, but I think wandering will help me integrate those true feelings into my life in a manageable way. If I bring the dogs, I will feel happy too, which is nice. a good mix of real feelings before I head back indoors to my nice warm snuggly dissociation.

I know I’m cheating. I’m wearing the same clothes as yesterday, because I couldn’t bear to go into the closet and see the gaping white emptiness of his side of the closet. my stomach turned when I accidentally saw his favorite kombucha at the store. I repeatedly caught myself thinking, “oh, I’ll have to remember to tell him that.”

10 years is a long, long time. 10 years. the longest relationship I’ve had previously was 3 years, but that was off and on anyway. we only lived together a total of a year I’d guess. this is 10 years. 10 years with a slowly dwindling handful of friends, until there was just him. Last night I was putting away laundry and getting ready for bed, and the quiet was just so strange. That is one time of the day we were always together, chatting as we wrapped up our day. The only time we were separated before this was for his business trips, usually 2-5 nights, and his trips back home to visit family, usually a week or two. And on those trips he was insistent on talking, even if only a few minutes at the end of the day.

That seeming kindness burns me. The phoniness of it. The manipulation. But I can’t go down this road yet. I feel like I’m standing next to a cyclone and I desperately want to avoid it. I have these kids to be strong for, responsibilities. I have to fall apart very, very carefully.

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