Last Late Night Post
January 12, 2018 by Friend
i wasn’t going to blog today, because i was pretty busy today and then it was night. and i decided not to blog at night anymore after what happened last night.
i wonder what it was yesterday that led me to end up writing the saddest, most pathetic self-hating blog. i had actually felt pretty good most of the day, well off and on. but then i blogged and it turned into a self-indulgent befuddled mess of negativity that i couldn’t fix, so i just logged out and followed thru with my normal bedtime ritual. which includes the standard brushing of the teeth — and flossing! and also, sadly a round of pocket camp on my phone. someday soon i hope to be the saint who puts her phone on the desk in the corner to charge overnight while sleeping soundly at a decent hour.
but not yet. so i took my night pills (glycine, magnesium, 2 5htp & 1/2 mg ativan), did the phone game thing, and turned off the light nice and early at 12am. i’ve been on a 2-10 sleeping schedule lately, but i would like to get back to 12-8. but no, instead i had…idk…maybe a panic attack? more like a grief attack? i was just overwhelmed with sorrow and anger and fear and confusion. so intense like suffocating at the bottom of the ocean. my chest started hurting, my whole body. i tried not to cry, but i thought, shit maybe i should just stop pretending this isn’t happening and just cry. but i didnt want to go full wailing & gnashing of teeth because my head would hurt so bad the next day. so i just kind of broke down for a few minutes, pulled it together for a few minutes, on and on for about an hour. it was that state where you don’t/can’t think, you’re just stuck in the grip of something.
then i started to get panicky because i remembered an article about how chronic lack of sleep will kill you fast. just so bad for you etc. so my normal would be to take just a little bit extra ativan. but i truly want to get off the poison, and im never going to if i keep doing that. i took a mastic gum capsule instead, because my stomach was burning with acid. then i dug around and found my gran’s locket and tried to find comfort there. it has given me courage to go to the dentist before, and to do other things im afraid of like the stupid senior night where parents have to walk out on the football field to be announced and celebrated for their athletic kid.
for probably 45 more minutes i suffered in such despair and confusion. i couldn’t think of what else to do. i couldn’t think rationally of like, “this is good. face your emotions” or ” hey get that list of self-soothing shit to do”, or anything helpful. i was like all lizard-brain. (altho i am really proud of myself for not taking the extra pill.) but i was so desperate, i held the locket to my chest and called out to my gran (whispered) to help me and i just cried and cried, repeating help me gran.
this is not my thing, i dont ask for help, even/especially from ghosts in the middle of a miserable night. but, like i said, weird head space. out of nowhere i got this very strong feeling/impression. it was like a voice in my head, strong and sure, said, “do not use this locket. there is too much grief there.” i obeyed and put the locket on the bedside table, pushed it as far as i could away from me, rolled over and passed out.
so this morning i woke at like 950 and turned on the SAD light and lay there remembering the pain and drama of the night before. all of the emotion was gone or shuttered. i had breakfast and called mollie. i told her that i had a miserable night and was unsure if it was “just” depression, cPTSD, or maybe plain old grief that i can and should work thru. she said i should have called her then & that her service to others, she’s decided, is to be available 24/7, which is pretty phenomenal. and the conversation was good. she said so many really inspiring thing. very helpful!
but i wanted to make a note of at least one thing she said cuz it was great. i told her about the locket and the strong feeling that came over me like a voice. i said i dont believe in ghosts, but maybe it was some energy telling me to stop. and that made no sense because i thought my gran used the locket for comfort. it holds the pictures of her husband on one side & her only child (my dad) on the other. i suggested maybe she was wearing it when she died, i really started going out there. she stopped me and said maybe there is a wisdom within you that knows there is too much of your own grief tied to the locket.
dang. she knows nothing of the tragedy of my paternal family. but this hit me as absolute truth. yes. this is exactly what it was. my own intuition, and of COURSE the locket symbolizes immense grief, wtf was i thinking? i never knew my gran. her life was so so very sad. nor did i know my father, his life was even sadder. and he died at age 30, before i was old enough to remember him. that locket is a gd icon of sadness for me!
so– good for courage. not good for comfort. check.
Mollie had to get off the phone but reminded me of the cd she had lent me. so i listened to it while i knit the everlasting 1×1 ribbed scarf. it was this chic, rhonda B. she said some great stuff. im going to listen to it again and take notes. something about giving up food plans and focusing on just going to meetings and going easy on ourselves. and that she felt she always had to do everything 10x harder to be half as good as anyone else. so, like, when it came to exercise, she was always insane and it was unhealthy. i could relate to that so much. im so ‘all or nothing’. she said, instead she has learned to just follow directions. if the phys therapist tells her to lift her leg 10 times, she’s just going to lift her leg 10 times and not think, “oh this isnt going to do anything!”. yep! i. have. been. there.
so then i did my 20 minute low-impact aerobic dvd and didnt tell myself what a waste and how pathetic and this is nothing why not kick it up a notch. i didnt do the yoga video after like i planned. because logically, i know that i need to ease back into it. because im not 17 anymore and my back is so damaged. so im just going to write a conservative exercise plan with careful increases and Follow Directions. i think that’s great.
my ex tried to engage me in text tonight, but i withstood the allure. and by allure i mean guilt (or fear?) i stayed generic and made sure to wait a while before responding. i dont want to just straight up ignore (why? fuck him!), but i want to shut it down. dumbass must have been drunk because he was imperviously cheerful. finally he said, hey do you mind if i share with you a song ive been really into this week?
hahahahaha “are you nuts!?” i wanted to respond. i mean, really?????????? you self-centered POS. i…i just…i can’t even, there are no words. well there are a lot of words, but its almost impossible for me to be calm and express how “wtf” this is for him to ask. because, no. no, i do not want to know what he’s been grooving to all week. he has always used music to dominate the atmosphere, and he seems to think he still can. i do not want to listen to his song, and have it affect me. because it will. he knows it will. im fucking impressionable as hell (especially rn), of which i am not proud. it is such a weakness. it has made me weak and vulnerable to the likes of him. to normal ppl it might be a positive, and maybe someday, i’ll be able to embrace it and share it with a normal person who is not trying to get inside my head and suck out my brain for breakfast.
and also. we are not friends! i wanted to say that, like, “um no thanks why dont you share it with a friend?” instead i said, “probably better not to”, then he begged and sent emojis as only the drunken can, and i said “im sorry im very busy rn” (which was true! i was working on a complicated crochet pattern!). and he was like oh ok i’ll just send it and you can listen to it later. rude: i had said NO but sure enough he sent it. i deleted it really fast before i could read the name.
FUCK THIS GUY!!!!!
anyway, im feeling much more calm and sane tonight. i only decided to blog so i could remember what mollie said. i am not going to blog at night anymore tho, because i dont want to take a chance of weird nasty emotions instigated right before bed, like last night. but i have a lot of positive things to focus on. i withstood another attempt by him. and i got a lot done today. and my food is in check. and i did just the right amount of exercise for me right now. and i had great conversations with my wonderful kids. and yeah. it’ll be OK. soon. probably.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged breaking up, confusion, grief, letting go, manipulation, music, program, relationships, self doubt | Leave a Comment
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