“Thanks, but No Thanks”

So today i had to do a bunch more college stuff, make calls, find more documents, get them scanned, more calls, find links that were emailed months ago and create portals, etc. every time i think i’ll just get this one thing taken care of, it turns into three new tasks, and i know behind each of them are more things. and this is why i hate being an adult sometimes.

then i needed to call him because apparently there were two sets of test scores (times two kids) that needed post marked by today and i have already paid for 8 (times two), so i am tapped out in that dept., so i called. he said fine and would i mind if he goes to my daughters dance performance tomorrow. i said that’s fine. its her thing, they have a rela, it’s fine. he said, well im not doing anything the rest of the day, so if you want maybe we can do something. i said, oh i have an idea you could hit the road after. which is just cheesy, wtv. he laughed, we laughed, and got off the phone

that was all it took for my mind to unravel. he doesnt have anything going on tomorrow? does that mean he has something going on tonight? why didnt he ask to spend the night tonight so he wouldn’t have to get up early to drive (since he lives 45 min away)? not that i would have agreed, but it would have been a logical excuse. maybe he does have plans, maybe he’s dating someone. the last time he came over, he spent two nights, we slept in the same bed and were not intimate at all. i thought it was my doing, since i was not inviting and had no intention of letting him be close to me. but maybe it was his plan too, because he’s dating or fucking people? 

i had a dream a couple of nights ago that he and i were in some loft and he had made all these plans and i didnt want to do them so i said so. somehow we started arguing and i started interrogating him. he confessed he’s been having casual sex and i was so angry. i didnt blow up but i just kept questioning him. this is very much what it was like after i found out about the cheating. just pure hell. and not like me. i hated being that way, but it was like a horrible compulsion. and in my dream it was all back. when i woke i thought, no matter what…i will never do that again. i will just walk away. i can’t be that pathetic again.

and in my head tonight im falling into that trap again. i was thinking how he wants to hang out, just wants to be friends. fuck this guy! seriously!  this sucks so much! in a normal sitch, that bridge would have long since burned, turned to ash, and blown away by now. but because of the kids, and the house and the animals, i have to walk this nightmare tightrope!  it’s murder. its so awful.

i realized today that altho i have always had serious insecurities and an overall inferiority complex (that sometimes masked as a superiority complex, i think, a little), i have never had this ridiculous self-esteem issue. like, i really feel like a piece of shit. before i met him, it never dawned on me to wonder why someone would want to be my friend or date me. i never considered myself a 10, in fact i was hyper critical and never felt “good enough”, but i based a lot of my self-worth on the reaction i got from other people. my friends seemed to genuinely think i was pretty and nice. i always had a few guys interested, and the ones i engaged with said all kinds of nice stuff about me. and i sort of gathered it up and believed about half of it and that was basically who i thought i was. 

im not saying that’s healthy. but the way i feel now, after 10 years with this guy, i mean. i feel like an absolute freak. like some kind of wretched monster. today i was going about my business, taking care of all kinds of stuff, which is rare and wonderful in these last few years of depression. there are days with depression, that i count putting a pen in a drawer to be a win. so yeah i was feeling pretty great today because i had taken care of maybe a dozen serious things. and as im walking into the post office, i caught my reflection in the glass, and i was shocked and horrified. there she was again. the hideous monster.

how did this happen? how did he do it? i wish i could delineate every little subtle thing he said and did that picked my fragile self esteem apart and left me this sad lump on the ground. because then, maybe id have something to work with. something to look at and say, “oh! yes, here! i know *this* is wrong! Ha!” and be done with it little by little. but i dont know how he did it. but i know he’ll do it again. to whoever lets him. to the next insecure girl who is willing to follow him down his dark paths in hopes of another one of his paltry stale crumbs.

i hate him

but let me look at it closer. all of my strife this evening comes down to Wanting Him To Love me. that same old thing. i dont actually want him. i dont find him attractive. he’s quite ugly, and his body is gross. he’s not romantic, nor does he say sweet things. i dont like hanging out with him. he hardly ever has anything interesting to say, he’s not creative, he’s not clever. he’s negative and ugly and selfish and controlling and self-obsessed. and somehow he’s made me desperately want his approval. that is his dark gift. and it doesnt matter how he does it. what matters is that i stop thinking about what he wants, and start thinking about what i want. then it’s clear: i dont want him. i want to be free of him. i feel better with him gone. im happier. my kids are happier. things are peaceful. i am more calm, and i feel my health returning. i have interacted with more people in the 6 weeks he’s been gone than i did in the last 3 years. literally. and that isolation is a real killer. and im breaking thru it. i have days without depression. i have seen a ray of hope a number of times. i heard my own intuition speak to me two nights ago!  i have faith that things can get better, that I can get better. and no matter what he’s doing with his life, whether he’s living it up or miserable, it is not my concern. i need to release that. 

so tomorrow, after the dance thing, when he asks to hang out, im going to say “no thank you”. and when he asks why, im not going to lie, nor am i going to tell him how i feel. he hasn’t earned the right to know. im just going to say…”thanks but no.”

and go home and call a friend

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Last Late Night Post

i wasn’t going to blog today, because i was pretty busy today and then it was night. and i decided not to blog at night anymore after what happened last night.

i wonder what it was yesterday that led me to end up writing the saddest, most pathetic self-hating blog. i had actually felt pretty good most of the day, well off and on. but then i blogged and it turned into a self-indulgent befuddled mess of negativity that i couldn’t fix, so i just logged out and followed thru with my normal bedtime ritual. which includes the standard brushing of the teeth — and flossing! and also, sadly a round of pocket camp on my phone. someday soon i hope to be the saint who puts her phone on the desk in the corner to charge overnight while sleeping soundly at a decent hour. 

but not yet. so i took my night pills (glycine, magnesium, 2 5htp & 1/2 mg ativan), did the phone game thing, and turned off the light nice and early at 12am. i’ve been on a 2-10 sleeping schedule lately, but i would like to get back to 12-8. but no, instead i had…idk…maybe a panic attack? more like a grief attack? i was just overwhelmed with sorrow and anger and fear and confusion. so intense like suffocating at the bottom of the ocean. my chest started hurting, my whole body. i tried not to cry, but i thought, shit maybe i should just stop pretending this isn’t happening and just cry. but i didnt want to go full wailing & gnashing of teeth because my head would hurt so bad the next day. so i just kind of broke down for a few minutes, pulled it together for a few minutes, on and on for about an hour. it was that state where you don’t/can’t think, you’re just stuck in the grip of something.

then i started to get panicky because i remembered an article about how chronic lack of sleep will kill you fast. just so bad for you etc. so my normal would be to take just a little bit extra ativan. but i truly want to get off the poison, and im never going to if i keep doing that. i took a mastic gum capsule instead, because my stomach was burning with acid. then i dug around and found my gran’s locket and tried to find comfort there. it has given me courage to go to the dentist before, and to do other things im afraid of like the stupid senior night where parents have to walk out on the football field to be announced and celebrated for their athletic kid. 

for probably 45 more minutes i suffered in such despair and confusion. i couldn’t think of what else to do. i couldn’t think rationally of like, “this is good. face your emotions” or ” hey get that list of self-soothing shit to do”, or anything helpful. i was like all lizard-brain. (altho i am really proud of myself for not taking the extra pill.) but i was so desperate, i held the locket to my chest and called out to my gran (whispered) to help me and i just cried and cried, repeating help me gran. 

this is not my thing, i dont ask for help, even/especially from ghosts in the middle of a miserable night. but, like i said, weird head space. out of nowhere i got this very strong feeling/impression. it was like a voice in my head, strong and sure, said, “do not use this locket. there is too much grief there.” i obeyed and put the locket on the bedside table, pushed it as far as i could away from me, rolled over and passed out.

so this morning i woke at like 950 and turned on the SAD light and lay there remembering the pain and drama of the night before. all of the emotion was gone or shuttered. i had breakfast and called mollie. i told her that i had a miserable night and was unsure if it was “just” depression, cPTSD, or maybe plain old grief that i can and should work thru. she said i should have called her then & that her service to others, she’s decided, is to be available 24/7, which is pretty phenomenal. and the conversation was good. she said so many really inspiring thing. very helpful! 

but i wanted to make a note of at least one thing she said cuz it was great. i told her about the locket and the strong feeling that came over me like a voice. i said i dont believe in ghosts, but maybe it was some energy telling me to stop. and that made no sense because i thought my gran used the locket for comfort. it holds the pictures of her husband on one side & her only child (my dad) on the other. i suggested maybe she was wearing it when she died, i really started going out there. she stopped me and said maybe there is a wisdom within you that knows there is too much of your own grief tied to the locket. 

dang. she knows nothing of the tragedy of my paternal family. but this hit me as absolute truth. yes. this is exactly what it was. my own intuition, and of COURSE the locket symbolizes immense grief, wtf was i thinking? i never knew my gran. her life was so so very sad. nor did i know my father, his life was even sadder. and he died at age 30, before i was old enough to remember him. that locket is a gd icon of sadness for me! 

so– good for courage. not good for comfort. check.

Mollie had to get off the phone but reminded me of the cd she had lent me. so i listened to it while i knit the everlasting 1×1 ribbed scarf. it was this chic, rhonda B. she said some great stuff. im going to listen to it again and take notes. something about giving up food plans and focusing on just going to meetings and going easy on ourselves. and that she felt she always had to do everything 10x harder to be half as good as anyone else. so, like, when it came to exercise, she was always insane and it was unhealthy. i could relate to that so much. im so ‘all or nothing’. she said, instead she has learned to just follow directions. if the phys therapist tells her to lift her leg 10 times, she’s just going to lift her leg 10 times and not think, “oh this isnt going to do anything!”. yep! i. have. been. there.   

so then i did my 20 minute low-impact aerobic dvd and didnt tell myself what a waste and how pathetic and this is nothing why not kick it up a notch. i didnt do the yoga video after like i planned. because logically, i know that i need to ease back into it. because im not 17 anymore and my back is so damaged. so im just going to write a conservative exercise plan with careful increases and Follow Directions.  i think that’s great.

my ex tried to engage me in text tonight, but i withstood the allure. and by allure i mean guilt (or fear?) i stayed generic and made sure to wait a while before responding. i dont want to just straight up ignore (why? fuck him!), but i want to shut it down. dumbass must have been drunk because he was imperviously cheerful. finally he said, hey do you mind if i share with you a song ive been really into this week?  

hahahahaha “are you nuts!?” i wanted to respond. i mean, really?????????? you self-centered POS. i…i just…i can’t even, there are no words. well there are a lot of words, but its almost impossible for me to be calm and express how “wtf” this is for him to ask.  because, no. no, i do not want to know what he’s been grooving to all week. he has always used music to dominate the atmosphere, and he seems to think he still can. i do not want to listen to his song, and have it affect me. because it will. he knows it will. im fucking impressionable as hell (especially rn), of which i am not proud. it is such a weakness. it has made me weak and vulnerable to the likes of him. to normal ppl it might be a positive, and maybe someday, i’ll be able to embrace it and share it with a normal person who is not trying to get inside my head and suck out my brain for breakfast.

and also. we are not friends!  i wanted to say that, like, “um no thanks why dont you share it with a friend?” instead i said, “probably better not to”, then he begged and sent emojis as only the drunken can, and i said “im sorry im very busy rn” (which was true! i was working on a complicated crochet pattern!). and he was like oh ok i’ll just send it and you can listen to it later. rude: i had said NO but sure enough he sent it. i deleted it really fast before i could read the name.

FUCK THIS GUY!!!!!

anyway, im feeling much more calm and sane tonight. i only decided to blog so i could remember what mollie said. i am not going to blog at night anymore tho, because i dont want to take a chance of weird nasty emotions instigated right before bed, like last night. but i have a lot of positive things to focus on. i withstood another attempt by him. and i got a lot done today. and my food is in check. and i did just the right amount of exercise for me right now. and i had great conversations with my wonderful kids. and yeah. it’ll be OK. soon. probably. 

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month 2

my plan to process this break up by blogging daily fell apart, along with my plan to exercise daily, eat healthfully, and avoid my ex like the snake he is. because he came here and spent the holidays. I allowed this for the kids. so they would have a “normal” christmas for their last year before college. at least i think that’s why i allowed it. 

it was pretty terrible I would say. nothing eventful happened, nothing outward. only, i somehow lost the strength that i had gained. we were not intimate, not even emotionally, so in many ways i held my ground. but his words twisted me up. i am just not strong enough to deflect his manipulations. and so in order for my pain to be lessened, i need to avoid him.

but just the last few days I have been overcome with sorrow. maybe it would have happened anyway. maybe the strength that i gained with my self-focus and readings and mediations last month is still there, but this time of sorrow is necessary. or maybe it’s something he said or did that got me off track. 

because I’ve been feeling so in love with him again. thinking about him, feeling that longing feeling you have for the little things that a person you love does. wishing he would say the loving things he’s said in the past. wishing he would love me. the same fundamental feeling I’ve had for 10 years crystalized now into a big wet hurt that i cant seem to sop up. 

my friend says im future-tripping, and maybe a little. there is suddenly this big fear that he is happy and meeting people and moving on and having so much fun, while I lay on the bed and play animal crossing pocket camp in the dark, puffy-eyed. because now i see him as desirable and wonderful and so unique and amazing and irreplaceable. and the anger and regret that gave me steam last month has dissipated. is this normal, or am i just an idiot?

no matter what, whether he put this in my head when he was here, or im a complete mess, or it’s just normal processing, the main focus needs to be no contact. I failed at that the first few days. i fell into old patterns of texting him when im scared. i got a terrifying migraine on Jan 3 because on jan 2 i decided to cut out sugar and caffeine at the same time, while on my period. really didn’t think i was consuming that much of either but, shit. my body was pissed. the migraine got to a full 11 and i was contemplating going to the ER — why?? they couldn’t help me but i was panicked. so instead, i texted him, like “oh no daddy what do i do?” ugh. then he rode that opening, texting me several times a day to check on me, offering to come over to give me a message, etc, until 2 days ago i finally was like, listen its fine lets let it go. 

then today his mom called me but I didn’t answer, i was legitamately in the store. when i checked my voice mail in the car, i had a 2+ minute listen-in to his mom and bro having a car conversation. it must have been an accidental call. so i turn it up and listened as hard as possible. because why? im nosy or i was hoping to hear them talk about me? maybe, but mostly because his brother sounds so much like him. my heart just broke again listening to his voice, the cadence, etc. 

which is so, so stupid. this man is ridiculous, my ex? he’s not cute. his voice is frog-like. he’s a terrible lover, really not good. an even worse kisser. selfish beyond words. treated me like absolute garbage.

that last part is the part I loved i think. but last month, i was so conscious of his flaws, or reality. and now im in this weird melancholia state. idk, i guess i will just let it flow, remind myself not to “future-trip”, focus on wellness and my own needs. like, i have been back on track with my food since jan 2. i got some exercise yesterday. and every time i think lovingly about him, i should…what? think of the bad things? remind myself of the reality? just think about something else? 

I hate this so much. i used to get so sad and scared thinking that someday he would die and i would have to help him die and then figure out how to live without him. i thought we were forever, and the thought of losing him was just so scary. but seemed so far away still. this is never what i expected would happen. its better than him being dead, cuz ultimately i do want him to find happiness or whateverthefuck, but it’s just such an adjustment. and deep down i am grateful its over, because the relationship was pretty much awful.

maybe I felt strong last month cuz i knew it was this set time – 1 month – and then I’d have to deal with him for the holidays (he’d be back), and i didn’t think past that. but now, there is no set obligations to him, the kids can prob handle easter without him, and their birthday. so its more real now? the reality of it being over now is unavoidable. the “Trial separation”, altho a facade, and something i grappled with as i realized it wasn’t real, maybe still gave more structure/safety than i realized. idk

plus my bday was tucked in there. 43. spent with him. after everything that happened last year. after the bs that was my 42nd birthday. he’s a truly horrible, despicable, ugly, narrow, incompetent, boring, weak person. he offers me nothing. why the hell can’t I get that thru to whatever part of me still loves him??  i hate this 

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Day 18: In Which I Reached Out

Today i saw my old therapist. she only charged me $30 for the hour, which was very generous and appreciated since i have taken on so many expenses with him leaving. she said her practice was not doing well or else she would offer to see me pro bono because she cares about me so much. this made me feel uncomfortable. when she offered to see me no charge two years ago, i couldn’t accept it. and i don’t like the idea of her caring about me, seems unprofessional, and makes me suspicious of her guidance. i think that may be just my trust issues talking, but i am not sure. i have never had a normal relationship with an authority figure, and i don’t know what that would be like. growing up i had no adults i could trust. i was responsible for the care of my little brothers, and felt it was us against the world. when i had my own children, i raised them with the same mentality. i always felt more like a big sister to them than a mother. i have a hard time inhabiting an adult world, as an adult. idk what im saying here.

my therapist listened for a while as I filled her in on my nightmare of a year, and then she got kind of tough-love on me, interrupting with, “why do you listen to anything this man says?” she was frustrated. i admitted that i realize now that i was lying to myself 2 years ago when i discussed him and the nonsense of our relationship and how i was distant from him and protecting myself. that i was actually only doing what i thought he wanted and telling myself i wanted it to. that i was just so desperately trying to get approval from a man who could and would never give it to me. she said she believes strongly that he is a psychopath and knows exactly what he’s doing. idk, maybe this is true. she said when you’re around someone who makes you so confused like this, that’s a sign. i said that ive always been so good at reading people, and he seems so earnestly innocent and seems like he really does care about me in his way, but his actions show something totally different, so i get confused that maybe he is just really fucked up and all the stuff he does is straight out of his unconscious mind, for self-protection or maybe to punish me for perceived slights. but that he doesn’t seem to do it consciously. it’s just crazy to think that i could have read him that wrongly. for 10 years. but either way, whether he devises his cruelty or it just happens because he’s fucked up, i know i can’t be around him. i can’t do it anymore, it was killing me, truly. and that’s what i need to focus on.

then she talked about her ex husband again, which makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like it when she tells me about her life or when she cries about her kids. normally, i would feel honored that someone would be open and vulnerable with me, but in this setting, it feels so unprofessional. i think maybe the reason i didn’t want to see her pro-bono is because i was afraid she’d do a lot more crying and  personal stuff. like, she told me she had dreams about me, etc. it just felt super awkward. but, it’s a small town and $30 is manageable, and i like her in a lot of ways. 

then I decided to go all in and attend an OA meeting afterward. i really did not want to do this for numerous reasons. sighhhhh. but i know i need to reach out and start making connections in order to be less isolated. on the way to the meeting he texted, “<3 have you thought any more about [college city]”. they’re going next mon, tues, weds and he got a really awesome hotel downtown. he’s insists he wants me to go, and maybe he’s sincere, who knows. one thing i know for sure is that i DO NOT want to go. i was clear with him before that i am not going. i didn’t respond to his text.

the OA meeting was at a church. I have trouble with churches, too many bad memories. when i went in i saw that it was only 2 ladies, both whom i remembered from before, both who i liked. they were really nice to me. when it came time for me to talk, i gave a very brief explanation of why i stopped going (trouble with the 3rd step– higher power), and the fact that I’d recently experienced a deep betrayal that led to extreme dissociation and depression. but altho I’ve gained 75 (!) pounds since i saw them last, i’d also lost 150 two weeks ago when i kicked out my bf of 10 years. clever stuff/s

they gave me their numbers and took mine and said they’re going to harass me. they’re really nice, and I think they get it. one of the ladies is 70 something. i used to hang out with her a bit when i went before. we’d go on walks. she’s really a wise one, but something about her troubles me, makes me uncomfortable, scares me. not sure what it is. i think it’s because she smells bad. like she doesn’t shower or wash her clothes. i know full well that’s a sign of depression, but she acts so chipper. she really seems like the cheeriest person. but she openly talks about how she always felt like she had to “have a ham hock around her neck to get kids to play with her”. weird analogy, but i get it. so she is not hiding the fact that she desperately needs approval. which would explain the cheeriness. part of me thinks that scares me because i don’t want to be there if she snaps into depression mode, because i wont know how to deal with it, dont want to get drawn in to another person’s emotional demands (ie my mom). another part of me thinks it scares me because i relate too closely. either way, i feel selfish, wanting the help, but not wanting to give it. wishing i could be an island. telling myself that not every older woman will be like my mom.

then this weird thing happened, which happens to me sometimes and i hate so much. i got her smell on me. i can still smell her. it’s been hours. she gave me a good long hug, but that couldn’t have done it, right? its got to be psychological? some kind of phantom smell?  idk i have to go get dinner ready, but im going to change my clothes and pull my hair up and try not to think about it. ):

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Day 9. The Real Things

so the grinding heartache continues. today on my drive over to the lake where I walk my dogs, i yelled and scream-cried again. i involuntarily yelled something like, “god damn you mother f**ker!” at first i thought i was yelling at him, but it soon became clear that i was talking to myself. “what the eff is wrong with you? whyyyyyyy? why? why? did you stay for so long? whyyy????! when you knew from the first day that he was dark and broken and couldn’t value you? why didn’t you say no when he wanted to come back? because you weren’t sure? because it was hard?! its only gotten harder and worse! every day, every time you got close to ending it. harder and worse! until now! look at this!!! look at yourself!!!  and i know you want to think that in time you will find some value in it. that everything happens for a reason. but the only reason is your stupid insecurity and lack of self-esteem! because nothing positive came from the toxic relationships in the past, did it? look at andrew. look at charles. nothing good came from those. there was only wasted time and self- hate. that’s it. and those were only a couple of years!!! this is 10 years! ten years!!!

on and on it went. my poor dogs listening to this. ugh god I felt terrible

so I stop at starbucks to get a decaf mocha, what a joke — what is the point of a decaf mocha but to waste money and calories? it was symbolic. they mistakenly made it with caffiene, so remade, but gave me both and suggested i give the “real” one to a co-worker or friend. it was easier to take it, but i didn’t know what I’d do with it. hopefully not drink it. first, i really don’t want to splurge on junk twice in a day and 2 i don’t drink caffeine now. so when i get to the lake, i see this old guy who’s always there. he’s pretty rough-looking. he always parks his beat up van in the same strip as i do and walks to the picnic area by the playground and feeds the squirrels. he’s bundled up because it’s damn cold  out (below freezing), and just so happens to be walking back to his van as i pull up. i decided, fuck it, I’ll give it to this guy. im more of a not-friendly type of person, so this is out of my comfort zone. also, I’ve been sobbing and not about to clean my face up for anyone. but i walk over anyway and offer it to him. he declines, says no he doesn’t drink that sugary shit. hmm ok. i thought maybe he suspected i’d poisoned it, which is exactly what i’d have suspected, but i try to remember that most people aren’t as nuts as i am. tho this guy could be. later on my walk i passed him as he sat on the retaining wall by the lake. i waved. very strange behavior on my part.

obviously I am no longer above acting like a total weirdo in public. i listened to the end of Anne Lamott’s “Hallelujah Anyway” and openly cried as i walked. at one point i bent double and literally almost collapsed onto the freezing path because i was so fraught with the existential angst of her words as she recounts forgiving her father for laughing when a stranger, a fisherman, ridiculed her hair as a child.

Sometimes at the lagoon, the water rushes out with furious velocity, but between high and low tide, it lingers, flat, before flowing out to join the blue-gray ocean. I felt a crabby compassion for my father, isolated in his ego, that jocular kennedy persona, exiled from hs family. and anyway, he was not the person who needed my forgiveness. neither was the other man. the men were portals, practice, training wheels: we are always the ones who need to be absolved, taken back into our hearts. i forgave myself for the fisherman’s words and behavior, for taking on his ugliness and making it something i believed to be true about myself. his words had gotten on me and in me, and then i had hoarded them, building evidence that i was right about being fundamentally wrong. i forgave myself for my father’s contempt and fear of women, gently released him to himself, in the same way you gently lift a hitchhiking monarch off your shoulder in a butterfly pavilion.

I curled up with [my memory of] Mom and Stevie. my mother had beautiful english skin, and long dark hair, but these aren’t who she was, any more than my hair was who i was. we are the final inside nesting doll. a baby feels and smells like god…babies are waves, mosaic chips of the unified field…images of tiny things, babies, yeast, and mustard seeds can guide us; things that grow are what change everything. moments of compassion, giving, grief, and wonder shift our behavior, get inside us and change realms we might not have agreed to have changed. 

this addressed my self-hate in the car ride over: I must forgive myself. and the quest for the real self: the final inside nesting doll. and the eventual outcome of all this pain: long needed change in areas i don’t even have to be aware of. it will happen. i just have to keep going.

 

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Day 8. Misery

Today was the hardest day by far. I don’t know if it was lack of sleep, or because the last few days i felt strong, or because i didn’t exercise today, or because of the dream. im sure i dreamed it because of the book i read yesterday, “it’s called a break-up, because it’s broken,” by the Behrendts. they said (paraphrase), stop thinking about him, stop wondering if he’s seeing someone else. he is and its heidi klum. now move on. I laughed at that, because it’s great. who cares what he’s doing. and i wrote yesterday that i didn’t. 

then I had a nightmare that i was waiting outside his apartment and he was taking forever. then i realized he was in there with ~~HER~~ the last person he was involved with, the one who “made him” do horrible things to me to prove himself to her. so i stormed in there and sure enough it was her. i really believe (irl) that he is not interested in rekindling anything with her because he seemed to be truly afraid of her and to think she is totally nuts. but he lies. so in the dream i was aghast — “of all ppl!” i thought.  i dragged him out by his ear (violence!) and into another apartment (ours?) and forced his nose down into the dirty carpet (he’s a germophobe). i clearly remember his long skinny nose bending as i pressed his face down into the grime. and i somehow stepped on the tip of his nose with the point of my shoe. he did not resist, nor did he enjoy this. i knew that it wasn’t “working” because i was way too emotional. i gave up and we both sat back against the wall, and i cried and asked him, “why? why couldn’t you have put all that time and energy into making things work with us instead of doing all this…” he looked bored and said, “if id wanted to i would have.”

damn.

I woke up in a great deal of emotional pain. it was 6 am, three hours of sleep. i was wracked with the intense desire to text him right then. tshhh! so stupid! this is what i REALLY NEEDED to know, this is what i was literally going to text him:

what did you do last night? are you ok?

gah! how horrible and pathetic would it have been, my god. I struggled mightily for probably half an hour, it was crazy. i felt almost convinced that the dream was prophetic. i took a pill (legally prescribed, but still cheating) and fell back to sleep for two hours. it’s annoying because all last week i wasn’t tempted. i did text him once last week about a business thing and stayed distant. wasn’t at all tempted. but that book went on and on about not calling no matter what, no matter your desperate reason. i swear they put it in my head.

so I basically felt grinding heartache all day. i met with a friend from 11-2 and we talked for a while about my sitch, and i cried and felt awful. i haven’t talked to her in over a year. we’d both gotten busy idk. she is really the only friend that understand the nuances of the situation. the bdsm side of our relationship. she’s the only one i can trust to tell the whole truth to. my other friends, i had to give them the edited version, because they’d just get distracted with the “weirdness”. it felt so good to be able to say it out loud for the first time in 11 months. to be held in her understanding sympathy and to hear her horrified anger. i thought i was stronger but the way she reacted made me cry like a baby for the first time since he left. not just angry tears i fight off, but baby crying. the rest of the day i did my basic tasks: laundry, cheerful chatting with kids, made dinner, ate dinner, walking dead with my daughter, fed animals, cleaned. but the whole time i was split into two people. i was the robot doing the stuff, but i was also just me sitting with the pain. i was holding it in my two hands weeping. 

i wish i could end there. but…then I had to text him, no really i did, about a credit card thing for our google movie account so he wouldn’t accidentally be charging my card, but all i said was, 

I added my cc to google movies so i could rent smth. you will have to select “family payment method” from now on to charge your card.

my cc # is xxxx. don’t use k.

he waited 7 min after viewing to respond with,

ok thanks for the heads up baby (kissy winky heart face).

i did not respond.

I realize that it seems mighty suspicious me needing to text that. it’s twice in 8 days. but we have shared a household for 10 years and little things come up. still, i commit to no more contact for real now. because it just added to my pain. seeing that he’d read it. waiting for the stupid fake ass reply. why’d he wait? drunk most likely. or at a show. or with someone. maybe on the phone with family or some ho…

so yeah, this is why the no contact thing really is important.

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Day 6

after all the quotes last night and nietzsche’s questions, I fell asleep surprisingly easy. i slept over 9 hours. it was beautiful. i had a pretty wild dream too. the first thing i remember is apartment hunting with him. we approached this huge complex that was kind of like a project, but with a Hawaiian style. i was not thrilled. next thing i know we’re inside and it’s furnished and kinda cool with its island vibe, but it’s ridiculous. totally rickety. the floors and walls and ceilings are made of these thin wood beams and covered with a thin canvas. you could see down into the apartment below you, and above. so, like, if i got out of bed, the person below could look right up my nightgown at my butt. i remember thinking that with horror. plus it felt like the whole thing was going to collapse. and it was 7-8 stories. as if that wasn’t bad enough, some old dude lets himself in and stomps thru the bedroom indignantly, heading to the bathroom where apparently he lives? he looks at us and shakes his head, “oh no! no way! i told them no young people!” he says and heads to his corner of the bathroom. i turn to my ex and say, “um wtf this isn’t going to work. this place is like match sticks and that dude? with the kids here? i can’t!” he agrees and says he’s going to talk to the manager and get our money back. he returns and says, “so they said if we stay they’ll give us another better unit”. i decided to view it before saying anything. we walk in and it’s pretty nice. real walls, nice antique furniture. im liking it a lot better, but i want to see the whole place. we walk down a hall and there’s a crack in the wall. well, the wall is like a plaster canvas that isn’t covering the whole space, so you can see thru. about 3-5″ is open. what i see is an enormous warehouse, like super old, 200 years old. really old equipment just packed right up against the plaster canvas wall. weird gears, all rusted. i ask the manager wth.  im thinking its crawling with spiders. she says oh yeah we’ll get this fully covered. pretty sketchy. but i am distracted cuz he calls me into the master bedroom. first i see the master bath. it’s pretty fricken nice. huge walk in shower you step down into , all marble, bunch of shower heads everywhere. everything super luxe vintage. wow! i think. then i turn to the master bedroom itself and my mind basically explodes. it’s the most luxurious things ive ever seen. remember back, it doesn’t seem all that great, but in my dream im just agog. it’s really long and just huge with very plush carpet and amazing windows. at the end of the room (im running with my arms outstretched in joy haha for real), there is a massive set of french doors. i bust thru them and find a very steep set of stairs down into a beautiful blue-green lush grass expanse. i cant stop running in ecstasy. just when i think I’ll have to stop, i see that the fence is quite low and i can step over it. i keep going and realize that i am in a communal grassy area for 5 mansions. i look at them and turn back to look at the building from which I’ve come. its huge and brick and the windows are like deep black pits. it’s haunted, i think, but i don’t care. i turn and keep running towards the ocean it seems. i reach the ocean and know that its the atlantic. there is a small bait and tackle houseboat there and i go inside. a handful of yuppy boys are running it. my joy has ebbed and i go to the counter and wait for someone to buy a pack of cigarettes. he opens the pack and the cigarette is shaped like a small crab wrapped in rolling paper. i buy my own pack, but ask for a different one. i feel defensive. i open mine and they’re smaller crab shapes wrapped in paper. i go to the back of the building and find a mattress on the floor with some haphazard bedding. the guy who bought the first pack joins me, altho we dont speak. im fiddling with my weird cigarette and he lights his and passes it to me. he says its weed. basically they just wrapped buds in paper without breaking them up. weird. but i take a few hits and the guy and i start talking. turns out it’s Lip from the show Shameless. after a while i realize uh im really into him rn. i start poking him with my toe. he’s like “what”, and i dont say it but wow im suddenly completely turned on, and he pretty much knows it. then there’s overly romantic cuddling and kissing, which i vividly remember being not great, and then some kind of dry humping that was really, REALLY amazing, and then! i woke up.

typical of me to have a sexy dream, but no sex. 

I know there’s a lot going on in that dream, but im just not even ready to think about it.

today I felt a bit happy, that’s the good news. i lost my temper once and yelled “fuck!” when i lost a stitch for the 4th time on this cowl im trying to knit in time to mail to the UK by christmas. embarrassing cuz my son was there ughhhh sux. i did apologize. not for cussing, but for startling him, poor guy. but other than that it was a pretty damn good day. i walked, i did yoga, i made good food choices, i connected with two friends, i even told an old friend who i love how hurt ive been that she’s ditched me the last 8 months when i really needed her most. she got defensive and nasty, like i knew she would. but i wanted to be honest and vulnerable with her even though i know she hates that. im actually not sure how thats going to work out. it could end the friendship, but if so, guess it’s meant to be. im not wasting my time contorting myself to please selfish, passive aggressive people anymore. 

oh another thing is, the kids mentioned casually that he has been texting them, and that he asked them to come visit him this weekend. I wanted to rip the phone out of their hands and read the texts, but i played it a little cooler than that. like, i asked a few more questions than i should have. when they said why don’t you just text him and ask him yourself i dropped it. dang. wish I’d asked nothing. i dont want them to know he and i aren’t talking for december, because they would think it weird. i dont want anything to seem weird or stressful for them, becasue they have so much going on with their senior year and sports and work etc. i dont want to add to it. but basically i discovered that every day he asks them the same questions: how are things at home: lots of cat barf? (not so cleverly disguised attempt to see if im ok, i’d guess), how is school? how is the college thing going? also today he asked if they’d like to come hang at his place. they said no we’re just too busy, which is true. 

ive really been thinking a lot about christmas and his visit. its only 6 days into the split and I can’t stop thinking of the best way to handle that. ive gone from one end of the spectrum to the other, but i think i need to let it go for a while. there’s time.

 

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Day 4 Alone

I slept only 4 hours, waking at 7am with my left jaw dislocated from such clenching dreams. after easing it back into the joint, i laid back and thought about the dream. it was in my bedroom. i was laying on the bed. it was day. he was here, sitting on a table chair next to the bed. he was just as cold as ice, saying how he now realizes that this separation is for the best, that there’s no chance for us and he sees how truly fucked up i am. as he talks my anger boils, i thrash around on the bed and finally attack him. he is indignant and announces he will not be treated this way and leaves.

the emotions of the dream were so intense and horrible. yes, I clenched my jaw til the point that it popped out of place, not an uncommon situation for me lately, but i was so stressed and upset by the emotions of the dream that i could not fall back asleep and had a headache that lasted several hours. i thought about jung’s idea that everyone in your dreams is you. and how the him in my dream was me. how he announced his boundaries. some part of me wishes to be ice cold like that.

but the dream did answer my questions from last night. the questions were basically wtf is going on, why do I feel so turbulent, why am i so easily drawn into pettiness and pathos, when objectively i know better. the answer is that there is further betrayal possible. in the dream, he was essentially cutting me off completely. i understood that i would lose everything, the house, my animals. my income is from a pension that is insufficient for a family of three, certainly cannot support 5 animals as well. i greatly dread having to uproot my children and the idea of having to farm out my animals, or worse, send them to a shelter. i realize i am digressing, but being depressed for roughly 4 years now, i have spent most of my time with the animals and especially the dogs have been my only support system. 

anyway. I believe the reason i am struggling with moving on is the financial ties. most likely he will not cut us off. at least before june. i believe he wants to continue having a relationship with the kids, so he will try to keep things copacetic for their benefit. come fall, worse case…maybe i rent a room on a farm where i am allowed to keep my pets? i mean, it’s a possible option…?

I did feel good about the dream because it clarified for me the image i have of our dynamic. and it allows me to make a plan to be sure that nothing like that ever happens. i have, much to my deep shame, attacked him several times in the months following discovery of his infidelity. the attacks were symbolic more than anything, as he wasnt hurt. they symbol was for myself —

• “look at what you’re doing.”

• “this isn’t you.”

• “this isn’t working.”

• “you can’t make this work”.

that’s what they said. i remember several times being in an absolute lock down drag out battle with myself, my hands curled and trembling before me with an enormous and equal force both attacking and holding in the attack. it was truly bazaar and horrific. these moments, both when i failed and even when i battled successfully, are dark landmarks along the lowest valley of my life, and i hope one day to view them with compassion.

the dream showed me that things are not cut and dry and that’s why it is so hard. just because it is infinitely easier with him gone, doesn’t mean im in the clear. I need to be careful and plan. i deperately dont want to manipulate him even tho that is what young, damaged, vulnerable me would do, and even tho that is what he is eagerly hoping i will do. but i must make an honest plan for how to use this time in december, and how i would like to proceed once i see him on christmas. he will expect us to set up a different level of interaction — i think ! — and i need to decide what i want. 

right now I feel like never-never-never again. 

and yet, only 4 days into my month of no communication, I had to interact with him, first, yesterday, i emailed him a bill that he needed to see. when he didn’t respond i thought well maybe he’s too busy being thrilled with life, but then i remembered he doesn’t check his personal email often. so, due to the deadline noted on the bill, i decided i needed to text him. this is how that went

me:  pls check your email.

         also, i will need your correct address

him: hey (three heart-eye emojis) ok. (and his address)

me: thx (winking, heart blowing emoji)

him: miss you babe.

I need his address to send him his mail. i could have stopped texting once he sent his address, but i thought i should respond kindly to his heart-eye emojis. it seemed casual, and made me seem less pathetic, something i ranted on about yesterday. at least i thought at the time. but i probably regret it. oh well. at least i stopped there. i don’t know, pretty manipulative still. it’s so hard to not be manipulative when you dont have a connection to your real self. i read about it, but i dont know what it is. i can’t remember a time when i didn’t have to gauge my environment and adjust my behavior accordingly. my earliest memories are planning how to survive these people. my life has literally been saved more than once by my acting differently than i felt. 

which is sad. which is what this is about. no matter how much he misses me, no matter how he wants to proceed on christmas, no matter what I have to lose, i can’t go back. to him or any of the men before him. somehow i have to find a safe place where i can let it all come undone and see what crawls out of the rubble. 

 

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Day 3 Alone

I wasn’t going to write today, because i was so busy. i did a lot of christmas shopping, mainly, which was a great distraction. then dinner and working on editing the kids’ college essays. the next deadline is in 2 days, so that stress is easy to disappear into.

but I turned off the light at 11:15 and started thinking. because i got a weird email bill notification and i had to fwd it to him. even tho i said no communication til christmas, it was with the understanding that something like that comes up, we pass it on. i didn’t comment to him, just fwded the bill. and so then i wondered if he’d get it tonight. if he has internet. if he doesn’t, he must be drinking. either way he’s drinking. I’ll bet he’s gotten totally hammered every single night. without internet, is he drunk and playing music and burning incense. is it drawing the attention of the grad students that live in the building, according to the renting agent? do they like his hipstery, ripped off style?

i wouldn’t have thought of him in this way before. but he proved to me that he could attract women, young women. it changed the way i saw him. a man desperate for sexual  degradation. a man who could somehow appeal to very young women. its confusing because he paid them. at first. both the women he paid, not for sex but for sexual degradation, ended up falling for him. spending time with him “no charge”. demanding he end his relationship with me so that they could be exclusive. very young, pretty women. he’s 40, dour, unattractive, with a modest salary. he is not fun, creative, quirky or funny or charming. this boggles my mind.

but I don’t want to sit here wondering what he’s doing, who hes with. this is the man he chose to be. the type of man who uses and hurts people. takes advantage. the type of man i don’t want to know. and we have this weird situation where there are all these financial strings and this facade of a “trial separation”, so it’s confusing. and i start wondering.

whats the most frustrating is that I know he is not wondering who im with. he may be wondering if im “ok”. if im sad, if im breaking down, if i can handle it. he sees me as the needy one in the relationship, and it sickens me to know that there is truth there. as disgusting as he is, i mean physically he is quite unattractive with a thundering amount of flaws, and yet still putting himself out there and getting himself into intrigue.  why am i not doing the same?

how did I become this needy pathetic gross person? ive felt on the brink of death for years. im totally demolished inside, why? ok i know why…

• child abuse and neglect

• rape

• domestic violence

• single parenthood/poverty

• diagnosed, but untreated cPTSD, OCD

• an ever-growing weight problem

• a shattered mask revealing the fact that ive never had any self-esteem

• emotional abuse the last 10 years with this man, isolation

ok, these are some of the reasons that I’ve become pathetic. but objectively, im better looking than him with better social skills. if I could just fake it, and put myself out there, would that help? i HATE that he’s feeling sorry for me, whether he’s having fun or not.  but i desperately don’t want to go try to meet people in the dejected state i am in; that’s crazy

this is crazy reactionary thinking. who cares what he’s doing. who cares what he thinks about me. trying to change that is manipulative and dependant. this is the thinking I am trying to escape. this is the thinking that always follows any train of thought that leads to him: feeling not good enough, disgusting, pathetic, weak, worn out.

that door closed when he left saturday. why keep opening it. is it because of the financial ties? is it because I know I’ll have to see him on christmas? it is because not much time has passed? am i being to hard on myself? am i supposed to lean into this pain and cry? but i don’t want to cry anymore. i dont want to repress my feelings, but i just hate to keep crying! i must be crying wrong or about the wrong things. this is the confusion! is this from all the gaslighting? the emotional abuse?

this is my time. my time to remember who *I* am. to start to heal…

how. do. I. start.

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Day 1 Without

He moved out yesterday. I have been walking around numb, except for a vague feeling of a massive black wave of panic descending. Can I outrun it by staying busy? Can I avoid it by denying that feeling? Can I escape it with dissociation? Only time will tell.

I have bought a very easy yoga DVD and a white sage smudge stick. I plan to use both tomorrow after the kids return to school. I made a list of self-care ideas since dissociation makes it impossible to think of things. One thing on the list is fasting, but I decided against that. I have serious food issues and don’t need to trigger more problems. Instead I thought I would attempt a moderate grab at control by slowly eliminating certain type of unhealthy (for me) foods/food habits. caffeine, sugar, flour, snacking, and dairy eventually. Getting a grasp on my food habits will go a long way toward making me feel safe.

I also want to spend time outside. Wandering always makes me feel melancholy and alone, which is accurate. I want to avoid feeling this way, but I think wandering will help me integrate those true feelings into my life in a manageable way. If I bring the dogs, I will feel happy too, which is nice. a good mix of real feelings before I head back indoors to my nice warm snuggly dissociation.

I know I’m cheating. I’m wearing the same clothes as yesterday, because I couldn’t bear to go into the closet and see the gaping white emptiness of his side of the closet. my stomach turned when I accidentally saw his favorite kombucha at the store. I repeatedly caught myself thinking, “oh, I’ll have to remember to tell him that.”

10 years is a long, long time. 10 years. the longest relationship I’ve had previously was 3 years, but that was off and on anyway. we only lived together a total of a year I’d guess. this is 10 years. 10 years with a slowly dwindling handful of friends, until there was just him. Last night I was putting away laundry and getting ready for bed, and the quiet was just so strange. That is one time of the day we were always together, chatting as we wrapped up our day. The only time we were separated before this was for his business trips, usually 2-5 nights, and his trips back home to visit family, usually a week or two. And on those trips he was insistent on talking, even if only a few minutes at the end of the day.

That seeming kindness burns me. The phoniness of it. The manipulation. But I can’t go down this road yet. I feel like I’m standing next to a cyclone and I desperately want to avoid it. I have these kids to be strong for, responsibilities. I have to fall apart very, very carefully.

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